Hi Amondo, thank you for your reply. I came to this site initially as part of a university assessment I was doing and the very first comment I left, was with you. It's funny that today, as I was submitting that, I received back my first response and again... it was you :) Thank you for that post; when I first came here I was feeling a little lost and was unsure what to say to so many but you made it easy for me to take that first step with the way you worded your post, it felt like you were 'inviting me in' so thank you for that.

It saddens me to hear your answers to my questions though. I don't understand how, when someone we once loved is going through their greatest time of need, why people back away or become completely silent. It would be easy for us to brush it off by saying 'they obviously never thought much of me in the first place', and although of course, that could be true in some cases, I imagine there's a lot more to it than that & that's what I've been thinking about this afternoon as I've been driving around, picking the kids up from school & gathering food for them for the weekend. This is what I've come up with today.

I wonder if it could be societal first of all. Or more specifically, the collective pressures we feel from that at times. I wonder if there is some degree of shame for those who are associated with a loved one being sent to prison & not something people want to deal with, or necessarily know how to.

I've wondered if it could be cultural. American culture is very individualistic - every man for himself, as is mine, (I'm from Australia by the way, I don't think I told you that initially). I wonder if people from collectivist cultures, that are more inclined to take care of each other would be more supportive of a loved one in prison.

I do think there is a lot of shame attached to losing someone to prison, although this is from an outside looking in perspective... I haven't been through this myself. But I really don't understand why people don't made the decision to look past their own feelings and consider what it would be like to be behind bars and for that reason alone, ensure they do all they can to stay in touch. Of course people get busy in their day to day lives, I understand that but to abandon your loved one - someone who society has decided it doesn't require anymore, or that is beyond hope - should we give up on them?... That upsets me.

As you can tell, I'm the girl that likes to ask 'why', because from there comes answers to make things better. I am glad your mother has never stopped supporting you; you're lucky to have her because I've read many stories of people who don't even have one person that visits or writes to them. As a mother myself, I imagine she shoulders the burden of those who remain silent too.

I will stay in touch. Although my paper is now written, I will keep coming here. There is so much to learn & thank you for helping me to do that.

Nicki

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