May 12th, 2013
I've held out for over a month now. And I do realize I MUST listen to my radio low and on my head to conserve juice from today on out--Even in population. I realize I don't need, or really want coffee. And I've done a lot of reflection and thinking about my behavior, words and actions of the past. Also, I have been going through my book titled 'The mammoth Book of the World's Greatest Chess Games' without a board and pieces; which is improving my visualization and memory in the areas of chess. I was randomly flipping through the book reading the 'Lessons...' sections, and seeking simple diagrammed positions and lessons. Now I'm just going from front to back in an effort to force myself to improve.
I shower on the days (evenings) I'm allowed to. And I "bird bathe" over the sink otherwise. I clean the cell - the walls, window area, [?], sink + toilet, the door and tray hole and the floor. I've killed three roaches in 32 days; so that says a lot. I'm in a nasty prison environment. One man next door to me keeps roaches and rats as pets; and will sling a roach (a big one) under his door at people on occasion. The other guy next door to me is clean, but cluttered and unorganized. Most people just lay and sweat and stink until shower call. And most people simply leave food on their floors to rot, never clean the toilet and sink, drop ashes and cigarette butts on their floor; and just leave that shit wehre it falls.
For the most part, prison stinks like ass sweat, musty bodies, rotting chicken and bones, nasty shit smells, stale pissy smells and rotting dead rats/roaches. I actually find it almost euphoric to open my window and put my face in the breeze and inhale the fresh, clean smells of dirt, grass, flowers, the river close by, the rain and all that nature.
This shit is sad.
This 'Black Jacket Radio' on 106.9FM is Awesome! And I still ahve the 'Old Gold' on 104.7FM tonight. I had the 'Sat. Night Disco.' on Magic 96.5FM last night. I listened to NPR some yesterday, too - But I've grown bored of 'A Prairie Home Companion'; though I do enjoy the music and jokes. I can get 103.1 FM, The Vulcan; but it's so full of static in my cell that I listen to hear what I like and became irritable and change the station. Lately I've gravitated toward the Talk Radio more. And toward the "shows" like I mentioned above. But I could do with less radio and noise. But without my chess set and books, and without good access to writing material; I simply enjoy the radio.
As humans we do have dominon. But now all is afraid of us. That said, with this dominion comes discretion with maturity and wisdom as we age and experience. What I'm saying is that I did move a spider from my window of my bed to the door so it would go out the cell. I have one already up in a corner by the celling that I don't mind - And will probably have more soon. I simply remove old, dusty web and consumed carcases. I don't mind spiders and snakes. What I hate are ants! And I can't stand these nasty roaches either. I can chase off the rats just by saying "I see you". Although I would feed a few rats back in lock-up at Kilby that would creep out from behind my toilet through a hole in the concrete wall. But I've learned a lot about them in the past ten years. It's not that people just don't want them to eat their food at night.
Wow! I was 23 years old last I was in society. And for all my intelligence I sure was a real dumb-ass dude. And I have always had great instincts and intuition that I ignored unless I had that one feeling of danger/anger that allowed me to just "go the fuck off" and attack someone and/or destroy property - Because I wanted to act out and vent.
And I've always said + done dumb, stupid shit that has ran off everyone I had (family, friends, ex-wife, girlfriends...). And I did that same shit here in prison and jail for ten year too. I feel like a real Ass! Plus, all the people I fought, spit on and said all manner of crazy shit about to them and their moms/dads/kids/grandparents...is really catching up with me.
The last time I moved to the S. Side in N-Dorm I hadn't been there two hours yet when I got knocked the fuck out down in K-Dorm as I was locking Gators box; who'd just gave me some coffee and let me borrow his radio. I didn't see it coming. And when I came to he; who ever it was, was still beating my head and face in. And Gator and another man was pulling him off me. The attacker ran out before I could see him, and NO ONE in an Open Dorm (120 people), nor Gator would tell me who he was. I reported it. But unless I could give a name or point out who it was the warden + the Lt. said I had to stay in N-Dorm: that they couldn't move me. I stayed in the SO from about 7p to 1a until they gave in + moved me back to x-y Block in the cell with Teenager. Then I had to convince LT. Pope to put me back in the cell with Jerry on X-side two weeks later.
I found out who did it. It was the man I'd fought, bit on the arm and spit on a few years back when me and C. Phillips got into a fight also - who I'd also slapped and spit on and called a bitch. Well, C.P. went and got his homeboy from another dorm to fight for him. I fought the man. I was winning, so someone knelt down behind me + tripped me up to help the other man who finally stomped my head on the concrete so hard I screamed like a bitch. Then he ran off as the cops were coming.
Yeah, all these years later he attacked me out of nowhere. I'm just glad he didn't use a knife. Hell, then again; he may have gave me freedom if he did - Death?
I'd tried to tell Warden Hicks I figured out who it was months later. But he didn't want to hear about it. He even got agitated and told me he'd forgot about it and let it go, and so should I. So I did.
Bu that's only one of 200-300 I have spit on. Only one of probably 500 I've fought from jail and prison. And only one of probably 2000 I have said crazy shit to; like "bitch, I'll kill your mother + fuck her in her ass, bitch", and "your dad should have fucked you in the ass when you were a child and let you know you were a bitch a long time ago". And when people vex me for killing my grandmom I retaliate in one way by telling them that I'll kill their grandmom and fuck her in the ass and use her blood as lube.
I don't really mean any of it. As in, I would not really do that sick shit. But I know what to say to hit back, hard. And it's always funny and O.K. until I say something back. Then they are angry + want to fight. Well, how the hell do you think I felt to begin with!?
I got angry one time and ruined numerous blessings in one letter, at one time. I was a member of the PPCH (Poverty Postal Chess League). Well, I got into a dumbass argument with C. Eason and was on the losing end - Not just the fight. In what we used to have as a semi-lock up called House Arrest I wrote a PPCL member who was about to start helping me big time - A christian man who'd fought the Korean War. I used every vulgar, profane, rude, and, yes, racist remark I could get onto about four or five pages to describe the man I'd got into it with. He sent me a letter ending our games of communication. Soon after the head of the PPCL sent me a post card eliminating me as a member and banning me forever - And he sent a copy of my letter to most members and a notice to them too.
Oh man! I felt real small + stupid. I was only venting because I was angry and confused. Well, I also was getting $30.00 a month from another PPCL member up north (Mike + Becca) - A real blessing too because I could get out that homosexual lifestyle then. Even they cut me off too.
All I needed was that $30.00 a month and some books and chess mays + books. And I had established it fairly easily and quickly. And I could play + learn chess through the mail too (cc). Wow!
All that torn from my grips with one foul letter. I'm not racist one bit. But I just repeated what I'd heard to get my point across. I knew he was/is a Christian, but I put the pirates in the 1400s to shame and made them blush with my use of vulgar/profane ... language. All due to anger.
Let me tell what happened between me and C. Eason. He is a black man, on the street now - He paroled or EOS. He had a "boi" - A prison wife. But I was friends with S. Hartman, his boi. I was talking with shorty (S. It's nickname) at his bank in H-Dorm (Now named K-Dorm). Eason came by and confronted me saying I was in his business. I did not get it since we were talking about C. Malick, my other friend. Eason explained that I needed to go on because he "owned" Shorty, and I had not got his permission to talk to Shorty so I was in his business. Well, I told Eason that people don't own people anymore, that slave days were over; and he didn't control me or Shorty; and I'd talk to my friend when, where and how I wanted to. While I was talking he was wrapping his had with a rag and coming around the bunk at me. I didn't do more than stand my ground and look stupid at him. So I got hit pretty damn hard in my eye and fell to the ground as he beat the holy shit out of me. Yeah, I was 6'2" and about 150 pounds. He was about 6' tall and 250 pounds of muscle, not fat, who could bench 700 pounds easy. Not much of a fight.
I reported the shit. And I went to the House Arrest while he stayed in H-Dorm unfaced! So I was angry and wrote that dumb shit to my PPCL friend (friend then).
Actually, Shorty testified for me on my behalf as a witness, as did Gatos and W. Stroop. I was found Guilty. But the warden overturned that verdit and said I'm "Not Guilty because inmate Eason was the agressor". Come to find out, the Co I reported the ass whooping to was Co Dean who employed Eason in the kitchen and was on Easons side. Damn! What an idiot I was. And even when Eason was found Guilty he NEVER served any HA time and stayed on the So While I was stuck back in 4-Block (Now C+D Block).
Even more recently though, I attended and Graduated a KAIROS weekend retreat in the chapel. Tommy Townsend of Townsend Ford in Tuscaloosa was my sponsor. He really didn't want anything to do with me, nor did his son, or anyone else. And the owner of the Demopolis Inn was there volunteering too - Where I lived once, and who I'd cursed out and threatened when I was on the street in 2002. Well, when I left I had pawned the (his) T.V. for gas money and got my next SSDI check at my grandmans and put the receipt of $ for the t.v. in an envelope for him. I mailed it to the secretary at the Demopolis Inn. And I'd got Marianna Josimov evicted when I went back to visit her - which is when I'd cursed + threatened him in front of the cop he had with him.
I was allowed to leave and Marianna went with me to help calm me down. And I wound up moving her in with me in Sheffield. But at the end of December I'd started drinking for the first time. Then I said to hell with it, I'd drinking so why not smoke some dope too in January. Then my life, attitude and all went to shit all by March 8th, 2003.
Marianna was a good woman. And I did love her. But I brought hurt and baggage. And I took that shit out on her. No! I didn't hit her or anything. But there was one time when I did accidentally hurt her real bad. I'd slung a milk crate into the wall and went to sling it again. As I pulled it out and slung it around I didn't know she'd came up behind me due to my screaming and cursing. It shattered her elbow an sent her straight down on her ass screaming. Damn man! I'd NEVER heard a scream like that before. It scared the anger and all right up out me. I hit the door and got in my car and sped to grandmans. Then I called to check on her + apologize. But a cop answered and got my anger back up and I cursed + threatened him. Actually, I thought he was another boyfriend to begin with.
Marianna, if you find and read this; I truly am sorry for that dumb shit. You were the best, funniest and sexiest girlfriend I'd ever had. I'd just became a real ass hole. I turned into a monster on that alcohol and crack. I'm sorry. I wish I could still see you put a $5 in the change machine at the Laundry mat and jump up + down hollering that you'd won when the change comes out. That shit was awesome.
Well, that's enough for now. I'm wasting ink.
Today is sun.; a 2-meal day. And I'm hungry. We'll eat soon.
Oh, I re-read Ecclesiastes (Holy Bible). Dude, that was deep. I'd read the whole Bible just to say I did. So I read through it. But am episode of Coast To Coast sparked me to re-read it. Wow! That stuff is on point too man.
- Soul Survivor '79
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