You mentioned Central Texas College's "Computer Training Program." I'm curious what kind of computer equipment and services and training are available to you. How far can you take this interest, if you so desire? Can you go in publishing directions, or software programming directions?
The internet is a resource as well as a stage, so to speak. So in addition to expressing your views, which is great for us, you can also ask technical questions, which may help in your studies.
Just an idea. It would be good if blogging was a two-way street of information and help.
There are some things you say in this letter that remind me of my own experiences. Though never incarcerated, I had my share of run-ins with the law as a young man. I was lucky enough to find people who helped me pull out of the situation I was in. Like you, I also thought for many years afterwards that these were the choices I made, bad ones certainly, but that they were things that I did. I refused to see myself as a victim.
With the benefit of a few more years, I can say that yes, I made those bad choices, and yes, I was responsible for the things I did, but the choices I had were also constrained by the situation I found myself in. In one sense, I was the perpetrator of acts that were profoundly negative for myself and others. And at the very same time, because of the situation I found myself in, which was complex, I was not able to see the good choices I could make if I chose to.
Sometimes when we attempt to take responsibility for our past wrongs, we go overboard. This can keep us from truly learning the lessons of our experience, because we do not allow ourselves forgiveness. And if we do not forgive ourselves on some level for our bad actions, then we cannot honestly address the root causes that led to our bad actions in the first place.
I hope you will continue to post on this blog. And I hope that you find greater peace in your self-reflection.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I have spent the last year learning about the prison system from within, volunteering with a class in a Connecticut CI. Every story I hear touches me, and reminds me of the complexity behind the "good guy/bad guy" stories sensationalized by the media. I think everyone could benefit from hearing stories like yours, and maybe would start to put a human being behind their mental image of prison. We could be in opposite places right now, and I don't want to ever forget that. Stay strong and keep writing. Thank you.
Welcome to the Internet, Olon! You've just joined thousands, probably millions, of people who are writing their thoughts online. Not everyone gets comments or even knows whether people are reading, but sometimes just the writing is enough. Who knows? Perhaps someday, someone will discover your blog afresh, and read through your archives.
That's my hope, when it comes to my blog, anyway. :-)
You wrote, "I don't understand where I went wrong or why and how I always end up in trouble." Don't stop looking for that understanding. Sometimes life seems like a puzzle, with no pieces fitting anywhere, but if we keep looking, eventually we'll find the pattern.
Anyway, keep on blogging... when you blog, you never know what kind of responses you'll get, if any, so brace yourself. *chuckle* Some responses might be insightful, some may be daft. Be ready for anything. :-)
Three things in your latest post struck me as insightful:
1) You mentioned that your generation is reluctant to grow up, and instead of leading, they follow.
I think this is much more common than people are willing to admit. Even people who seem to be leading are following in some aspect. It takes a lot of work and internal honesty to even discover what things, beliefs, ideas, or culture we are following. But without that work, people get lost in their own life, and that can happen regardless of what side of the law you happen to be on.
2) You say you took opportunities for granted, and went through the world with eyes wide shut. I can sympathize with that, as it has been true for me as well. Things that were opportunities earlier in my life, I didn't even recognize as such. It's only now that I look back, that I see where improvements could have been made, and really should have been made. But I was blind.
So even though you may feel haunted by the gravity of your situation, I'd gently point out that perhaps you are seeing things now that others may not see until they are old, or ever. And if you see them now, that means you can change it. But someone who doesn't see, he continues through life blind, and he's probably worse off.
3) You write, "I have been incredibly loyal, or incredibly stupid, but in truth, incredibly lonely." I can relate again. I've found that loneliness comes from a lack of honesty. People who know you, or think they know you, but don't know the real you, are just acquaintances. But to find someone who is trustworthy enough to know the real you, and still stick around, and not use it as a knife in the back, that's a true cure for loneliness.
I think the only way to get that kind of friend, is to be that kind of friend... the kind of friend that pursues honesty, the kind of friend that asks the kind of questions that you're wrestling with now... the kind of friend who is honest about himself and pulls honesty out of his friend as well, but always caring enough to accept what he finds.
I can say that finding such a friend, and being such a friend, is tough wherever you might find yourself. I've never been in prison, but solving these same issues you are facing is a challenge all the same. I wish you all the best in your struggle... I hope you find the kind of freedom that starts on the inside, and works its way out to all aspects of your life.
Thanks for sharing your story, Johnnie. It's inspiring how someone's kindness made you want to live a better life. I have found the same effect working in my own life.
I love your analogy about the bacon and dogs. Partly because I love bacon. Partly because I love dogs. Mostly because it was even true for pretty much everyone at the non-prison college I went to. We were all after the bacon. And some of swallowed the pill! Although I have to say, quite a few of us ate the bacon and spit out the pill. This can be a problem with dogs too, I've found. The solution, in that case, is to put your hand in their mouth, stick the pill as far down the throat as you can, and then hold the mouth shut so they are forced to swallow it. If they are a good dog they won't bite you. I'm not sure this analogy works anymore.
RSS
The internet is a resource as well as a stage, so to speak. So in addition to expressing your views, which is great for us, you can also ask technical questions, which may help in your studies.
Just an idea. It would be good if blogging was a two-way street of information and help.
I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your very eloquent, articulate and touching blog.
Thank you, and I hope to read more from you in the near future!
With the benefit of a few more years, I can say that yes, I made those bad choices, and yes, I was responsible for the things I did, but the choices I had were also constrained by the situation I found myself in. In one sense, I was the perpetrator of acts that were profoundly negative for myself and others. And at the very same time, because of the situation I found myself in, which was complex, I was not able to see the good choices I could make if I chose to.
Sometimes when we attempt to take responsibility for our past wrongs, we go overboard. This can keep us from truly learning the lessons of our experience, because we do not allow ourselves forgiveness. And if we do not forgive ourselves on some level for our bad actions, then we cannot honestly address the root causes that led to our bad actions in the first place.
I hope you will continue to post on this blog. And I hope that you find greater peace in your self-reflection.
That's my hope, when it comes to my blog, anyway. :-)
You wrote, "I don't understand where I went wrong or why and how I always end up in trouble." Don't stop looking for that understanding. Sometimes life seems like a puzzle, with no pieces fitting anywhere, but if we keep looking, eventually we'll find the pattern.
Anyway, keep on blogging... when you blog, you never know what kind of responses you'll get, if any, so brace yourself. *chuckle* Some responses might be insightful, some may be daft. Be ready for anything. :-)
God bless,
lru
That sure is common: fear of the consequences of honesty. When in reality, honesty is what is going to help us.
Thanks for your letter. I hope more people read it and take the message to heart.
God bless,
lru
Three things in your latest post struck me as insightful:
1) You mentioned that your generation is reluctant to grow up, and instead of leading, they follow.
I think this is much more common than people are willing to admit. Even people who seem to be leading are following in some aspect. It takes a lot of work and internal honesty to even discover what things, beliefs, ideas, or culture we are following. But without that work, people get lost in their own life, and that can happen regardless of what side of the law you happen to be on.
2) You say you took opportunities for granted, and went through the world with eyes wide shut. I can sympathize with that, as it has been true for me as well. Things that were opportunities earlier in my life, I didn't even recognize as such. It's only now that I look back, that I see where improvements could have been made, and really should have been made. But I was blind.
So even though you may feel haunted by the gravity of your situation, I'd gently point out that perhaps you are seeing things now that others may not see until they are old, or ever. And if you see them now, that means you can change it. But someone who doesn't see, he continues through life blind, and he's probably worse off.
3) You write, "I have been incredibly loyal, or incredibly stupid, but in truth, incredibly lonely." I can relate again. I've found that loneliness comes from a lack of honesty. People who know you, or think they know you, but don't know the real you, are just acquaintances. But to find someone who is trustworthy enough to know the real you, and still stick around, and not use it as a knife in the back, that's a true cure for loneliness.
I think the only way to get that kind of friend, is to be that kind of friend... the kind of friend that pursues honesty, the kind of friend that asks the kind of questions that you're wrestling with now... the kind of friend who is honest about himself and pulls honesty out of his friend as well, but always caring enough to accept what he finds.
I can say that finding such a friend, and being such a friend, is tough wherever you might find yourself. I've never been in prison, but solving these same issues you are facing is a challenge all the same. I wish you all the best in your struggle... I hope you find the kind of freedom that starts on the inside, and works its way out to all aspects of your life.
God bless,
lru