Wed.
2-9-11
9:38 PM
RGCI P-South
255 Lewer

Wrote Gaby earlier. I told her something to this effect.

Not knowing love growing up, I don't know how to express it or what it looks like! Not knowing love growing up, I tend to run from it. Even today, love makes me uncomfortable.

There were no gentle touches in my household. No praise! No encouragement. Curses were spoken over our lives. :( Never wanted to be bothered! There was no "How was your day?", "Good morning", and the like. Who asks a jobless person, "How was work?"

While brushing my teeth and pondering the message of "agape" love I heard on N-Lene (radio station_, I realized I'm not there yet! Hopeful though, that God will see me to that point. Despite giving from my heart, the devil attacks my flesh to hate people because of their selfish, cocky, boastful spirits. Sometimes they treat me like the scum of the earth while I'm granting their material wishes. Yes, I'm playing the "debt" I owe them as a Christian. Till I tell them about Jesus. Then they yell "Pavel on full" and hightail it.

Moreover, the thing is this: I have pull, I just don't know how to show it. Love doesn't show affection, it just grunts and mumbles. Yeah, I hear ya. Hard for me to express it.

Then it hit me. All I've ever known is tough love. Reverse encouragement. "You'd be a damn fool to—", "Boy, you stupid?", "What the hell is wrong with you?", "Do it or else." Yells. They put you down and be like, "You better pick yourself up (or else)."

No wonder I witness with an pissed and offended attitude about me. I'm always angry. It turns to self-righteous judgmentalism. :( Sad faces. I lack Christ-like compassion to lovingly speak to men.

Break through
I penned this
Knappy time.
Please, word of God,
speak.