Dymitri Haraszewski Blog 1660

[Photograph of Dymitri Haraszewski]

It's Halloween Time!

10-14-24
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Well... doing something a little different this year. I don't think I've ever posted a Halloween-themed blog, much less a poem! October is a very tough time of year for me for many reasons. But Halloween is awesome! At least, it used to be. Not so convinced of its awesomeness anymore. But I have some hope... not that this poem shows it! :) Enjoy.

"Don't Get Tricked"

Hello boys and girls, it's Halloween
When ghosts and goblins can be seen
All running through the streets in packs -
Watch out! That psycho's got an axe!
So come over here kids, and I'll tell you a story
And pinkie-promise it's not too gory,
But responsible grown-ups must teach this to you...
All the things you must fear on this Great Night of Boo.

It all starts with the first threats a kid ever meets
From the strangers they're begging for candy and treats.
You can't trust anyone, and this isn't a hoax,
Because even your neighbors are dangerous folks.
Oh sure, laugh it up now, just go on, make your jokes...
But here's a dose of hard reality, you rotten little brats:

When you dress up to knock on doors
You won't find gummy worms and s'mores.
The yummy treats you'll get instead
Are really tricks to make you dead.
The chocolates all have blades inside
To slice your smiles miles wide.
And candy corn won't make you sick
(unless they're laced with arsenic!)
But some antacids do the trick...
There's Tums and Pepto, Rolaids too,
And Alka Seltzer's good for you!
But please, take 5 or 10 or 20;
One whole bottle should be plenty.
Killing seagulls by the flocks
(here, drink some soda with your Pop Rocks.)
Those sharp pins stuck in candy bars
Will pierce your lips and leave nice scars.
Now eat some apples full of razors;
Shots of Drano make good chasers!
See... this isn't a night for old witches on brooms,
It's for children to visit emergency rooms.
And these are all the REAL tricks that you'll get on Halloween,
But hold your headless horses kids, there more you haven't seen.

Halloween is when tellers of tales speak of dread
And I think it was old Oscar Wilde who said:
"The vilest deeds, like poison weeds"...
Now pop a handful of these seeds
And in your bellies grow some trees!
Up through your eyeballs, ears, and noses
Branches of those child-trees growses
And all the neighbors' dogs will please
To come and sniff and take their pees;
Those poaches pissing on your knees.

But now it appears that this warning is straying,
With too much wicked wizardry
And bloody entrails spraying;
For there are many other things your parents love to fear
And plenty of those things are things that aren't too fun to hear.
So if they haven't told you yet, some people are just no good;
The worst of them might even like right in your neighborhood.
And on Halloween night they're all playing for keeps
But don't think for a second the nastiest creeps
Are the serial killers like old Freddie Kreuger -
Holy Jesus little girl, would you please wipe that booger
And snot off your face? OK., that's pretty yuck;
Now you see that stranger's pickup truck?
Don't get inside to take a ride
Or you'll have nowhere left to hide.
"But mister, that guy right there - he's just my teacher."
Ha! Right - he's the teacha who's tryin' to eatcha!
Listen here, kiddo...

I'm sorry I can't calm you down,
There is no Pennywise the Clown,
But other cold and viscous meanies
Who might even try to go touch on your weenies!
Or rub on your chests or peek up in your skirts;
Of all the monsters in the world, we know that they're the worst.
But now we've learned a thing or two,
And thanks to Operation Boo...
We've made the world more safe for you!
But despite all our efforts, and I promise we've tried,
I'm afraid that we still can't let kids play outside
So grab your guns and stay indoors, be vigilant and wary
Cuz Q-Anon has brainwashed us and Halloween's too scary.