WOULD IT BE EASIER???

I often ask myself if the opposite of what I am doing at that current moment in time would be easier than what I find myself engaged in would be easier? I still have yet to answer this question. It's funny, though, that question is... I'm currently sitting in a situation for "my own protection" if you will because someone else is not going to stop trying to hurt me until they get what they want... Or so I was told. But to be honest there is little I fear on this earth. I know I should be scared but what do you do when your life means nothing to you at all? Yeah, I walk around with this smile if I get to that point on my face and try to pretend that I am okay or even normal somewhat but in reality I am not at all happy. I can't even say I would find myself content even on a small scale. I used to close myself off to the rest of the world so that I would not feel them or their emotions which I know would have the ability to affect me as they do on a grand scale... But I have succeeded in making a friend yet again and this person is nothing like Linus. She has proven the meaning of the word friend to a fault and lived the word in everything she has done on her behalf. So much so that I now can say that I truly love her as a friend and would even go as far as dying for her without a second thought to my own life. These hours and time in general passes by extremely slow to me and I wish I could just close my eyes and go to sleep or fall into purgatory. But how could my maker even grant such a request to me because anything uttered from my lips is always something so profound that it makes everyone's requests seem like something small. Even my very soul in itself aches with the weight that I carry. I have carried it around now for all the years with no sign of it becoming any lighter as these days pass me by. How can it do so when I hurt this badly even to my very innermost depths? I know not!!! I am at a loss really... I wish it didn't hurt so much to breathe and even be awake as I have to be. I am trying not to revert back into my old self where I loathe everything around me including myself but this is become taxing on me not to do. How does one close Pandora's box when it has been opened after being closed for so long. I don't measure time like everyone else does around me and if I explained it maybe it would be understood and it might sound a bit cliche but trust me, unless you live it as I do it won't be. It's times like this that I am reminded that I am only human and not something else. All these emotions which reside within me are evidence of this. So would it have been easier to do the bad thing or harder to do that which is good? I know not still...