Sept. 23, 2013: 7:20am: Listening to: "The Sounds of Prison"

Hi Bill, just sitting here reading your comment and I had just finished responding to Jan's words about my daughter's situation but as I sit here listening to the "sounds of prison" I wanted to respond to you now instead of later. The sounds of prison, let me explain that. Prison is a whole different world. You have quiet guys, you have guys who never shut up, ones that swear they know everything about everything, ones that are never wrong about anything, you have your gangs, you have the ones who prey on the weak, you have the rapists, you have your churchgoers. You have so many different kinds of people in such a small place, people explode. Right now I am listening to 2 guys threatening to kill each other over the Sunday night football game. People do change, Bill, and I'm glad that you've noticed that. Just like out there, in here, people can & do change. Not everyone, but some. A few of us do try. I do agree with you, if we were to keep the death penalty, don't wait 20+ years. But if you look at it from the other side, even after sitting on death row for 20 years, how many people were put to death for a crime they didn't commit. I would like to know the numbers. It'll never be perfect, our justice system can't be perfect, there are imperfect people who run it. And let's face it, judges, district attorneys, they are all just as flawed as I am. You asked me how am I more different now than when I first came to prison. I am more experienced in life. I was 21 when I came here. In the law's eyes I was a man but I was still a kid. I've learned how to be a man. I've learned how to respect authority. That may sound dumb but I have met some guards who are really good people. I've met a handful who are true sadists and only have this job so they can hurt you or make your life miserable, but I've met more good than bad. I've discovered religion. No, I am no Bible thumper and I do not run around preaching but I was baptized and confirmed and I go to Saturday evening mass every week. I have met some outside guests that have been coming here for 30+ years, making a difference in prisoners' lives. I was a pretty violent kid. It's the only life I knew. I had to fight growing up. I was always small and I had no choice but to fight. I learned I was good at it so I became a bully. I wasn't even 10 and I was a bully. But in here, I have learned that violence is never the answer. For protection in this environment, yes, but not in every situation. I no longer have a stomach for it. I've grown a conscience, maybe not grown but I have discovered mine. And it's a pretty powerful thing. I discovered that I have a heart. I have compassion for others, not just people but for anything living. I won't lie, I didn't discover any of this until after my Justine was killed, out of tragedy came a life lesson. It awakened something inside of me. I couldn't understand why someone so sweet, kind, wonderful, so full of life, so precious, how someone like her could be killed. Why would someone want to do that. And it ate me alive inside for years. I love her now more than I ever have and she's been buried over a decade now. I still remember the times I was an asshole to her and I don't know if this makes me weird, crazy or just dumb, but I pray to a dead woman and I beg her every single day for her forgiveness. It's weird how this universe works. Someone like me, someone who has done so much mean and rotten things as a teenager, I'm still here. But a woman who deserved to have a long and happy life, was killed at 21 years old. I would give my life in a minute if it meant giving hers back to her. That's how I've changed, Bill. I have learned compassion. I want to be good, I want to help people, I want to be happy, I want to be responsible. Before prison, Justine was all I cared for. I didn't want to help anyone but her. I've learned that there are more important things in life than just me. I'm really not that important at all. Prison is such a selfish and hateful environment, it's hard not to get caught up in the drama. You have a dog. I love dogs. My favorite animal. They have a prison dog training program but not here. That's something I would love to do. But it's not for lifers. Justine was a dog lover too but she loved the little ones, especially Pomeranians. I think one of the problems with how prisoners are seen is that most people are not willing to look at each person. They see 1 prisoner on the news or hear about something a prisoner did and we are all judged to be the scum of the earth. I don't blame anyone for that. There is an organization called the C.U.R.E. and they are just one of many small organizations who are trying to help prisoners change their lives and educate society about men & women in prison. If anyone wants to learn more, if anyone wants to help make a difference, their e-mail is:

info@pacure.net

Their president is a woman named Denise Grant. These are the people who actually take some time and get to know a few prisoners and they realize that we are all not evil scum who should be locked up forever. I have changed, Bill. I hope one day more people will realize that despite our surroundings, we can change. I am not perfect. I still have my moments of anger, frustration, but for most part, I am such a better man now than when I was a 21 year old kid. And as I grow, I will continue to change for the better. And as I grow & change, I just hope that I can somehow be a good influence for my daughter. I am very afraid for her. I have 1 more topic to touch on real quick. (This is getting pretty lengthy). Dr. Elaine J. Leeder wrote a book on her experiences with lifers in a California state prison. It's called "My Life With Lifers". It can be purchased at:

mylifewithlifers.com or amazon.com

It's a look into the world of prison with a group of lifers who strive to do & be better. In my next blog I will talk about the juvenile court judges who broke the law and locked kids up in Pennsylvania for big $$$$$ (millions of dollars). And prison guards from SCI Pittsburgh who were beating, raping and dehumanizing male prisoners. Thanx for reading, take care, enjoy the fall and God bless. Ciao.

No one is perfect. We can change and some of us desperately want another chance at a life.