Reply ID: 86jf

Jan. 28, 2014: 5:30am: Listening to: a little bird outside my cell

Jan,
I have a bird nest outside of my cell, in a window, and for some reason the bird lives in it all year long. But this morning I am listening to the bird waking up and making noises. I enjoy the peace and quiet. Thank you for your response Jan and for continuing to read my blog. You asked if I had a family who could be a visiting resource for my daughter, sadly I don't. I recently found my two sisters who live maybe an hour from my daughter in Ohio but we've never met yet and they would be the only ones who would probably go and see my daughter. I know she is hurting and afraid and she feels like no one loves her or wants her because no one took her in. I gave her the best Christmas I could. I didn't ask anyone for a dime for me. I asked everyone I knew if they would help my child have a happy christmas if they could afford it. The response was so heart warming. She has the opportunity to take independent living classes and go to college, for free, when she is 18 but she is so angry and hurt that she is not moving forward and I don't know how to help her. I was recently contacted through my blog by 2 people, Ranya and Bryan, that I knew as a child. They took me back to my childhood and for the last 18 hours or so I have been reliving my past. But what my daughter doesn't understand is that I lives the life she is, and at her age I was in prison. 16 years old in prison. When most teenagers are playing sports, partying and doing homework, I was alone in prison. She thinks that because no one will take her in that no one loves her. And I understand, I felt that same way, I'm lucky if I get one visit per year. But I'm old enough to know that difference. Krista isn't. This month she decided that she was mad, hurt and angry (since no one would take her in) that she doesn't want to talk to her family right now and all communication is suspended. So that's where we are right now. She's pushing us away and I don't understand that. No matter how alone I was, when someone embraced me, with a letter, a card, phone call, or surprising me by sending me some money, I embraced the contact, the love, Krista is pushing it all away. I think that all she wants, all she needs is a family to take her in and love her. She is not a bad kid, she acts out because she doesn't understand why her family doesn't love her enough to take her in and give her a home. And believe me, I'm angry about it too. But I'm old enough to understand. She thinks I'm judging her when I am only trying to help. I'll never judge her, I just want to help. But kinds are complicated and we've all been there. My mom and brother are allowed to call her, and they do, but all contact has been suspended right now because Krista is angry. Hopefully when her social worker, Hannah, tells her she has a big pile of mail for her and presents that were late for Christmas, she'll change her mind. One can continue to hope. I might have lost a lot in life but I have not lost faith and I have not lost hope. Take care and thanks for writing. I hope you keep reading. God bless. Ciao.