Judgemental

Why is it that no matter what I try to do I can't escape the past. I have tried many times over and over and have failed each and everytime I have tried to. Why is this? I do not know even now. Although I wish with everything in me that I did. How can a person claim to be your friend with all the "love and loyalty" that supposedly come with it but never offer any in return for that which is given to them. People say I'm a cold-hearted person but you know, it's crazy because when I do do things out of the kindness of my heart their lips might show appreciation but their actions do not. This is already difficult for me to understand in a world where I don't know how to interact with them. Maybe it's not healthy but I do my best to remain as cold as I can and put as much distance between me and other people as I possibly can. Yeah, on the surface IT may seem as though I enjoy what I have to endure or that I am even accepting to what is done to me but I am not at all. There is maybe a very minute part of me that accepts it - ONLY - because I feel like the more misery I endure this will somehow atone for the wrongs I have committed. I know now even though a person claims to love me they can't really because they are so judgemental in forms that it is impossible for them to truly have love for me even on a platonic level if you will. In so many ways I feel like a platonic level if you will. In so many ways I feel like a kid because of the things that catch my attention - Hello Kitty, Japanese animation, model kits, rpg games, higan cherry trees, most fantasy and science fiction books. These are just to name a few. I have always been like this really. I sometimes wonder if I had grown up differently would I have still made the same mistakes I had made? That is a question I will never be able to answer because no matter what I do I can NOT change the past. No matter how badly I want to. I have never had to ask myself what I would give to take back that which I regret the most. Even an eternity in hell (if I am not already there) would be nothing if I could just take it back or somehow undo that which I have done. Even for a second. Some people would hesitate when faced with these choices but not I even for a moment. Not when making such a choice as this. But it is not something I speak about anymore. How can I and someone not judge me based on my past? I would rather the whole world judge and hate me and this one thing be granted to me than have everything I could ever want or dream of. Because right now this is all I ever want and dream of even for a second. I don't mean to be so morbid. Maybe it's because Easter is such a hard time for me. It's funny how when you wish with everything you can offer and give to remember things you forget them and how you don't want to remember things that you do. Or maybe it's just me.