June 23, 2013
12:00 pm
Listening to Linkin Park

I am sitting here listening to Octane, the satellite radio station. It's free in here. The prisoners' welfare fund pays for it. The welfare fund is created by the overpriced prison commissary and for the extremely high fees we pay to use the telephone. Without money, you cannot buy any commissary nor can you use the phone. Collect calling has been eliminated. We get six stations, but Octane, New Age rock, is my favorite. I've also grown to like Christian rock. A cable channel, JCTV, plays a lot of music and Christian rock. Skillet, Red, and Fireflight are three of my favorite groups.

Music is my escape. Many years ago, it used to be free for prisoners in my state to go to school, college, get degrees, educate themselves. But now it's pretty expensive. So I try to learn about music and the meanings behind each song. They might not be the correct meanings, but I find my own and it makes me appreciate the song more. And let me just say, if you like rock and never heard Skillet, find any music website and listen. The best Christian rock group I have ever heard. "Hero" is their biggest hit. Anyway, I grew up on music. My mom instilled me with it since birth, Pink Floyd day and night. I loved it. "The Wall" is the best.

I focus on my health because we have such bad medical care here in prison. And then I learned one of my favorite actors, James Gandolfini, dying in Rome just a few days ago. Heart attack. He was very famous for his role as Tony Soprano in the mob series, The Sopranos. Great show.

We're locked in our cells for about 18-19 hours per day so music, TV, reading, and writing are what most of us do. I'm an amateur painter, but I don't think I'm very good so I am giving it up. It's an expensive hobby that I can longer afford to do. Who knew a single paintbrush could cost over $10. I sure didn't.

Education in prison is just the basics. No advanced classes unless you can pay the $100 or more per class. I don't know if the credits are transferable or not, but for the high price very few can afford, I would hope so. Don't get me wrong, they do offer some free classes but, as a lifer, I get put at the bottom of the list and it's unlikely you'll get in. I've never considered this. What about special needs prisoners? I will attach an article written about it.

When the budget gets cut, education is the first to go, in prison and out. In Pennsylvania, they have closed dozens of schools. Seems like no one cares, but having a good education can help keep you out of prison. And getting a good education in prison can help keep you out once you are released.

I recently learned that 1 in 28 children have a parent in prison. 1 in 50 have both parents in prison. That's staggering numbers. Recently, the Sesame Street crew went to Rikers Island Prison in New York for Father's Day and held skits and interacted with children who have a parent in prison. This was used as a learning tool to help the children who had a dad in jail. I want to applaud the Sesame Street crew, creators, and everyone involved in this. If the children are helped and educated, there is a better than 50% chance that they will not go to prison themselves. And the sad facts are that over 75% of all kids who have a parent in jail, the kids will one day end up in jail as well. The problems need to be addressed at the earliest stages. Let's stop waiting until they are grown and no one else takes responsibility. All the blame goes on them.

I don't know where my life went wrong. I could guess, I could point out so many times, but I need to be responsible for my actions. Maybe I wasn't taught the best or even properly, but I knew right from wrong so this is all on me.

Most of my poetry is angry, painful, and violent. It was mostly written after my Justine was killed and most of it is not able to be read and understood by people on the computer. It was a dark time in my life. I just lost the woman I loved more than life itself and, after two unsuccessful suicide attempts, I began to write. I cried and wrote for about two years. It took a lot for me to grow and become someone better than I once was. I've never told anyone this, and now they will all see it.

I wrote this on October 25, 2006. It was my last suicide attempt. I attempted to hang myself. It was the scariest thing I have ever done, and I thank God that I didn't die. I wrote this and titled it:

The Bell Tolls
I have no one else to keep me warm on this long cold night
Something inside makes me feel that my life will end tonight
Somewhere in the distance I hear a bell toll
Is it God? The devil? He comes now for my soul
My life has been full of anger, rage, and hate
I ask, why is this my fate?
There is only one regret that I can say
My Justine was killed four years ago today
Death was her solace, it alleviated her pain
The pain is so bad because I am one to blame
Justine, you gave me joy and happiness. All I wanted was a life with you
Honey, my heart and soul will always belong to you
I hear it again, I hear the bell toll
Goodbye, my love, my heart, my soul
I shall never forget.

Sure, I'm not the greatest poet. I wrote what I felt and, a few hours later, I made my final suicide attempt. I cannot express the pain or sadness I felt that day. Each day now, I get a little better. I cope a little better. I just wanted to share that one because it's probably the only one I am able to share in a public forum such as this.

Finding good people, having good people in your life, making new friends, creating bonds that last, these are what makes life in here bearable. And for anyone who has been reading my blog, they know of my family in Italy: Christine and Lisa. Christine just told me that Lisa is in Spain and she has already begun her journey from walking 600 miles from Spain to France. She was caught in a rain storm and got very wet. She's lived in Italy her whole life, so she'll be fine. I'm very proud of her.

Well, this is the longest I have ever written. Hope I haven't bored yous. As always, I look forward to your comments and will always respond to them. Stay safe and God bless. Ciao.