August 15, 2013: 12:30PM: Listening to "Until the End" by Breaking Benjamin

I was just having a conversation with my neighbor Bill. He was writing his "friend" (a woman) and we got to talking about the dedication of our family, and friends and loved ones. We spoke about what it means to us and a lot of people thing it's easy loving a prisoner. Or just being friends. Whether your relationship is intimate, or just a strong friendship, it takes work and a serious level of communication. My best friend, AJ, he's been home for 3 years now and he continues to write me. He just went a few months of not writing to me and he apologized for being lazy and losing touch for a few months. But I know it's not easy. For us in prison we have nothing to do, no lives, no real responsibilities, we can sit down whenever we want and write for hours. And we tend to forget that our family, friends, the people in our hearts, they have lives, we are not the sole reason for their existence. And we tend to forget that. Sometimes we ask too much, or we want more than you are willing to give. I'm a very open and honest man. I will never claim to be perfect, but I believe in communication. I love to write but when there's a problem, we need to be open and honest about it and talk about it. I've lived both sides of this life. I have been free and written to people in prison. And now I'm on the other side of the wall and I look for these family and friends. I try not to take anyone for granted, I try not to forget that I also need to let them know I appreciate them and all that they do for me. So let me say this now, for everyone who has been there for me, sent me money to survive on in here, everyone who has spent their hard earned money to buy me a food package, to everyone who has ever done anything to help me or my family, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I hope that you know you are appreciated. My friend BJ buys me food packages every year. She buys my daughter presents every year. She doesn't have to do any of this but she does because she is a wonderful woman and though she doesn't write me very often, it's people like her that need to know that they are loved and appreciated by me. It is so hard finding good people. The public perception is that everyone is prison is scum. So finding someone to give you a chance, it's not easy. BJ has a good man and when the day comes and they get married, I would love to be there to show them my love, respect, and to wish them the best. But I'm here and all I can do is show my love and appreciation through my words. There are so many people who have been there for me over the years. A lot of them have bailed on me and just moved on with their lives but I'm not angry about that. It hurts to be abandoned but you eventually get past it. When I read the paperwork from the judge saying all parental rights to my daughter were terminated and she has been deemed "abandoned", that hurt so much, because I have been abandoned, in here. Now I just pray that her social workers help her. And I hope they allow me contact with Krista because I have not abandoned my daughter. My parental rights were terminated solely for the fact that I am in prison. This really sucks but what more can I do? I have no one who is willing to take my daughter in. This is just a weight that I hold every day in here. People on the outside sometimes think that since we're in here, we have no worries, no problems, no issues of importance. And sometimes, prisoners think that you can drop everything for our needs. But we'd both be wrong if we thought like that. I am willing to work with anyone, I understand both sides of this coin. I do have life so I'm stuck on this side of the coin for however many more years God gives me. But I want to make them the best possible years that I can. Not just for me but for the people in my life. My brother JJ told me today in a letter, people get so caught up in life that they forget about us. So here I am reminding the people who have forgotten me, the people who have forgotten a friend or loved one in prison, we are alive, we do need you, we do love you. Some of us are selfish and only care about our own needs in here, but that's why communication is so important. We both have to be willing to speak up and say what we want, need, how we feel. Without honest communication, no relationship will last. And again, a relationship does not have to be intimate or romantic. I have a relationship with Lisa. I love this girl. She is a little sister to me. I love her mom, Christine, they are my family. A relationship does not have to be sexual. In prison we know what we want from our family, friends, loved ones, from people we meet while in here. But you have to tell us what you want also. We have to be on the same page. Loving is so easy, you can find so many reasons to love someone. But staying connected is so hard for some people. This distance does divide, we have to be strong enough to not let it separate us. Am I boring anyone? Am I sounding like a broken record? I am serious when I said I need some feedback from you's. Whoever is reading this right now, ask yourself, what do you want to know about prison, life in here, thoughts, struggles, think of something and ask me. You don't have to leave me a comment, you can write a letter. My address is on my profile page. It's that simple. If you're reading just to read, that's fine too. I saw another P.A. (Physician's assistant) today. He said that from the tests he did, he cannot understand why I am in so much pain. The tests were done in less than 60 seconds. I said that's it? And he said yes. This kid couldn't have been older than 25. It takes months to see an actual doctor in here. I enjoy doing this, I hope I'm doing an okay job. If not, please let me know. Grazie (thanx). Take care, God bless, & when I saw the weather & it said no heat, no humidity, cool & breezy, I thanked God. I'm tired of the heat! Hope to hear from you's. Ciao.