Reply ID: 2fn8

October 28, 2014: 3:30 pm: Listening To: Nobody By: Keith Sweat

Jen,

Hi, who are you? I hoe good. I received your post today and I was happy to hear from you. This isn't the easiest time in the world for me. Justine died 13 years and 3 days ago so my weekend was pretty miserable. Yeah, it does take a lot longer to receive what people write to me but it's worth it. You are right, sometimes a little kindness goes a long way. I have tried to remember that in here. I believe in karma, what goes around, comes around and stuff like that.

I basically believe that if you do bad, mean or rotten shit, it's gonna happen to you and the people who matter most to you. I could be totally wrong but it's what I believe and it's why i believe Justine is gone. She paid for my sins. Probably sounds stupid but when you have loss and you don't know how to love on or get past it, you get stuck in one place, unable to move. I remember the day I was told she died. I couldn't breath. My lungs seized up and I was unable to breathe for what felt like hours, but was just a minute or so and now to think of my mom, the person I was closest to, dying, it's a nightmare.

JJ told me stories of him and Kelly and how bad they were for each other. But he has always been an amazing little brother.

Yeah, Dawns oldest son is Ronnie, he will be 16 in about 3 weeks. Dawn isn't a good sister, not to me anyway, but she is a spectacular mom and she is raising 3 great kids.

I had never met Kelly but she was friends with my mom at one time. Kelly was so self destructive. I still have photos of my mom and Kelly's little dog.

Everyday I look at the prom photo of me and Justine from 1998, I could never forget her beautiful face, her glasses that she was so self-conscience about. It took her months to let me see her face without her glasses on. She would even wear them in the shower. The kindness that ran through her heart, it truly is one of the driving forces that make me aspire to be a better man. I could never be the person I once was, that would be more than just disrespecting her memory. My memory is horrible and sometimes I forget things but I am so grateful for the photos I have of her. The ones of her and Ronnie when he was just a baby , they are precious.

As for your present situation, color doesn't matter and race should be made irrelevant. True, it wasn't always this way but since Ronnie was born, none of that seemed to matter anymore. I love my nephews and I don't care what color they are or their father. He's a good man and they are amazing kids. The 2nd is Jordan and he and Ronnie are both over 6 feet tall and they are amazing athletes and just good kids. Being a mom and kids and all that, it's complicated but you can make it all work. And at the end of the day, all that matters is being there for each other and taking care of each other.

I didn't know Krista was my daughter, not 100%, until I asked the children and family services dept. for a paternity test. That was 2005. In an attempt to show her true colors, Krista's mother told her why I am here. You don't do that to a kid who's not even 10 years old. I just got Krista's address and cell number so I'm gonna send her a card and try to start over again. Though it's not possible, I would like to right all my wrongs and though that's not possible, I have to right the wrongs to my daughter. I was never there for her and it's easy to say I would have if I wasn't in here but that changes nothing. I have to do what I can for her, even if that's just to love and encourage her. I'm told she is doing much better.

Well Jen, I think I'll let you get back to your family. Take care, thanx for writing. One of the worst parts of this is all the people who write and make promises but never follow through. Write when you get bored and have time. I know you got kids to chase around. Go enjoy them.

Ciao.