What's In A Name?
(The Epilogue)

Well, I saved the best for last: nicknames given to the officers.

Naturally, we aren't permitted to just start using them haphazardly while speaking to the officers, but with as much chatter that goes on and with as loud as some of these guys talk, it's never a secret to an officer when he or she obtains a new title. I'll admit, there are a few who don't seem to let it bother them because the new name fits them like a glove, and it's not really insulting in any kind of way.

A good example would be G.I. Jane. With the way that lady would run things: screaming in our faces, not letting us talk, keeping us in a straight line, and the way she dressed with her camouflage pants tucked in her boots. You would swear she was an ex-military drill sergeant. So if she appeared to be in a good mood, you could address her by that name because it was kinda like a compliment.

Then we have the officer who couldn't take his new name as a compliment, but on the other hand had to accept the fact that his new name suited him to a "T" in an innocent kind of way. This guy didn't look a day over 16 and had the appearance of your customary bag boy in the neighborhood grocery store. So what did he get called? Winn Dixie, of course.

I guess Robo Cop was another officer who didn't seem to have any issues with his new nickname. But that's probably because the guy didn't really have any character or personality to begin with. That was the main reason he obtained his new name. Oh, and also because he always did everything exactly by the book. You could never ask a special favor of him or be caught with any kind of contraband, no matter how harmless it was.

Marlboro Man is about the last of the "didn't really care" officers, and with good reason. When you see some of these other names, I'm sure you'll agree that the individual they were appointed to had every right to be a bit ticked off. Oh, by the way, Marlboro Man was an officer who just had that rugged cowboy look about him. With the mustache, the hat, and of course the cigarettes (back when smoking was permitted).

I guess one of the most humiliating names I've heard belonged to an officer with a bad acne problem. His face was covered with eight fresh pimples or scars from old ones. So someone came up with the name Pizza Pizza from the Little Caesars Pizza commercial.

How about Truck Driver? One can pretty much imagine what that officer must have looked like. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I mention that it was a female? Even though she was a female, I still wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley (or in a well lit one for that matter).

To appreciate this next nickname, you have to be familiar with the show Adams Family. There was an officer with an appearance that made it tough to figure whether the individual was a male or female. Hence, the nickname Cousin It was appointed. If I was an officer that suffered from the problem of my gender not being discernible, then to be a male officer and have the nickname Big Shirley. I feel sorry for him.

Here in prison, we have a term for when the officers come in unannounced and just start going through our lockers, looking for contraband. It's known as a shake down. So when you have some female officer who carries out one of these searches on a regular basis, she'll get a name like Shake Down Sally. Or, if she's just an overall ruthless little brute looking for trouble in any kind of way, Grandma Dynamite seems to have fit rather well, at least a couple times that I've seen.

Naturally you're going to have nicknames with no form of imagination or originality. The designator obviously just uttered what he saw. Like for instance: Tight Pants, Bow Legs, Big Sweaty, and Back Arms. I mean, really, do I need to do any explaining as to what must have brought about these new names for these unfortunate individuals?

My last example has been my favorite ever since I first heard it. Unfortunately, you have to be familiar with a couple of movies to truly appreciate it. Or maybe you can just remember the commercials good enough to get a picture of the scene. Remember "Child's Play" and the sequel "Child's Play 2"? Well, I spent a few months at a camp where one of the sergeants had a nickname appointed to her in which I almost wanted to feel sorry for her. But with her being this mean looking, 5ft nothing, female that had a leathery complexion and a limp to her stride, then the name Bride of Chucky seemed to be a very fit description in an original kind of way.

Well, I guess that does it for nicknames. As you can see, they do play a rather important role in the prison way of life. Hope you found everything at least a little interesting or amusing, and if there are any other subjects you have an interest in, please let me know. Be sure to keep visiting and I be sure to keep writing.

MAZE