Blog #1660
Haraszeski
Nov. 14, 2016

My Parents

This won't be very long. I've avoided this blog for most of 2016 for a few reasons, but one big reason has been that in April this year my dad died. He'd been doing poorly for a long time, but since my mom died a few years ago, he really went south, physically and mentally. I didn't have this blog when I lost Mom in 2012, but I may not have used it to help mourn even if I had. I sure haven't used it to talk about Dad. But I want to.

The thing is, it's hard to write about anything else when you know you should be addressing the most important things. I have so, so much to say about Dad and his life and his death and our relationship... Same for Mom too. So many things I want to write about both of them. To both of them.

And maybe I will. Eventually. It's hard. It drains me emotionally.

Mom died in 2012 and just this year, a few months ago, I could finally look—really look—at the pictures I have of her. Before this, I just set them aside to wait. But I'm very glad I have them. Her letters to me too. Those I still haven't reread—I can't yet—but it's reassuring to know that they're there when I want to.

Dad almost never wrote me anything, though I bugged him to break his "never-put-it-writing" rule for me the last six years or so. Especially the past 2 or 3. Dad did send me birthday cards after Mom died though, and I keep those out where I can see them. It's obvious he put his real thoughts into his selections each year, though he always denied it, and they make me smile and cry at the same time. I keep the last card Mom sent me too.

This year was the first time in my life I didn't hear from Mom or Dad in a card. It's... hard.

Anyways, here's a photo of me and Dad together. The first of us in 8 years and the last one there will ever be. I guess we took it just in time. I wish there was one with Mom too. :(

[colored photo of two men. One is elderly, the other is younger and wearing glasses.]
→Me and Dad
Nov. 2015
Mule Creek Prison