"Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse."
-Lazarus Long

Dear Readers, Sat. 01-11-20

I supposed I should change my quote to "Oops! I did it again." by Britney Spears.
I'm back in the Hole. And as much as I hate to admit it, I "fell out" again. Although I sound and feel like a total loser, I hope I don't lose any of you as a reader, penpal or friend. I've already had one so-called "friend" tell me that he's not going to write me anymore because I do drugs. And of course he's a former alcoholic and a devout "Christian." Go figure.
Because this has happened so often this last year, I know I must sound like a complete junkie, but perhaps after you hear the circumstances, you won't think that badly of me.
This all happened this past Dec. 20th at about 8:30p. I didn't smoke at all that day or the day before - BY CHOICE
A short time earlier that evening, I was introduced to a new dealer/"plug" in the unit who offered me a $2 piece of K2 for free for one to try out. It seemed fairly large to me & I specifically asked him if I should cut it in half 'cause I didn't want to have anymore "episodes" as I'd had in the past.
He said, "Nah, don't worry about it. You try that & I'll come back and check on you later."
So... instead of listening to my better judgment, I went ahead & did the whole thing like he suggested. Sometime after that I was being picked up off the floor by a couple of CO's & was covered in blood - worse than any previous time. Once again I had blacked out & hit my forehead. There was blood all over the floor, my clothes, my face was covered in it - I was a total wreck.
After being taken to Medical, I was then taken to the local hospital where I was checked out & they did a cat scan. I was then taken from the hospital & brought to the SHU (Special Housing unit/Segregation/"Hole") where I have been ever since.
So... I got to spend my holidays in the Hole. Surprisingly, they didn't write me a "He's fucked up" "shot" (incident report), they wrote one for "Possession" 'cause they found a small square of paper in the cell which they said tested positive for amphetamines, which is how K2 comes out (even though I'm pretty sure it doesn't have amphetamines in it).
I have been in here 3 weeks so far and still haven't seen the DHO (hearing officer). She takes forever to see people.
The day after I got here (or later that day?) they brought in a guy from my unit, "Dutch," who got in a fight with an older guy, Earl, over the TV, & Earl busted Dutch's head with his cane! He got a fighting shot & is also waiting to see the DHO.

Sun. 01-12-20

I as walking with Dutch las night after I stopped writing about how crazy it is that there are so many true junkies in our unit - guys who get high from the moment they get up until they go to sleep, all day, every day, who go into debt or even steal (like "two-fifty" who's now gone, thank God) - and they rarely end up in the Hole, and yet here I am.
The Hole has gotten much worse since I was in here last. The staff has really made this place pure hell.
You are now not allowed any personal property at all - no hygiene, no radio, no nothing. They've stopped allowing books to read as of Oct., although we were told that they would start bringing a book cart & allow us one book per week. That hasn't happened yet & I could read 100-200 pages in one day in here.
They no longer ever allow you to buy hygiene off of Commissary like you used to. You used to be able to buy soap, toothpaste, shampoo, lotion, etc., but not anymore if I remember, I'll include a commissary sheet). They bring us hygiene once a week which includes a tiny, motel-sized 3-in-1 bottle of soap/shampoo/shave lotion (one bottle), some powdered toothpaste that tastes like baking soda, tiny (3" or so) toothbrushes & tiny deodorant. That's about it.
We haven't gotten writing paper once so far (I got this paper from Education to use in a self-study class). I got the pen 'cause it was left in one of the cells (a 4" or so flexible pen).
Guys are so desperate they've been asking for Bibles to read & are told there aren't any - even by the Chaplain who comes once a week. (One CO found me a small Gideon New Testament which he was kind enough to bring & I've been reading that).
Psychology will bring a few puzzles & sudoku once a week, but those don't last long.
They've only given us one change of clothes (t-shirt boxers & socks) & they'll only let us trade out one set per week, & we've only gotten razors once a week.
So far they haven't even once traded out our orange jumpsuits or sheets & blanket. Oh - we only get one blanket when they get 2 in the regular units & it's been cold in here.
To top it all off, my cellie & I just moved into a cell with what looks like black mold under the bed (after the mandatory 21-day cell rotation).
Oh, and I almost forgot, Dutch & I are being housed on the "transfer" range where they put guys who are here on a layover during transit, which has 3 bunks stacked on top of each other.
One week, for 2 days, we had "Wolf" as a 3rd cellie who is totally hot & that was OK. However, for 5 days earlier this week they put in some black guy who just got here from a USP ("Pen"), who never shut up & caused problems and even threatened Dutch. It was horrible.
The staff have made this place a living hell & guys have NOTHING to do, which has only caused more problems. The suicide rate has gone up greatly - Evan/"Farmer" was one of those guys.
Oh, I just remembered something else: they no longer give us rolls of toilet paper. We're given those tiny blocks which certain 24 single-ply squares of toilet paper, & we get 2 of those per day. And keep in mind that we have to use those to also wipe off the toilet seat every time we pee ('cause the metal seat is attached & doesn't lift up). And that's it. Cool huh?
Tues. 1/14/20
It's going on 4 weeks in here & I still haven't seen the DHO. Fuckign insane.
The CO brought hygiene last night &instead of the regular 3" toothbrushes, we were given those things you put on your finder with some really hard bristles on one side. I think they're made for dogs.
Also, I forgot to mention... we used to get these little plastic sporks in our meal trays - the kind wrapped in cellophane (?) with a napkin & salt and pepper like you'd get at a take-out place. Now... we get these thin paper-cardboard things shaped like this:
[drawing of a shape like an upside-down, letter 'T' with rounded edges.
(Yes, I know how that looks)
and you're supposed to squeeze the wider part together & use the smaller end as a spoon. It's by ECOSECURITYUTENSIL.com. What. The. Fuck. Try eating a salad or soup or anything with weight with that thing.
Plus... we used to be able to choose if we wanted our light on or not (the switch is outside the door).
Now, they turn it on at 6 AM - 10 PM per the Warden's orders. I think the only purpose is light torture since there's nothing to do & most guys just try to sleep as much as possible.
On Christmas morning, right after breakfast when everyone is trying to lay down & go back to sleep & forget how they're spending the holiday, some sadistic bitch staff member went down the range and BAM! BAM! BAM! pounded on every single door (about 24 cells) to make sure everyone was awake.
We also heard that they took the bookcart around to every range (hall of cells) but this one this weekend. When someone asked a CO about it on Sun. night his reply was that the Program Statement said that the book cart would go around Saturday during the day & since it was Sun. night we could forget it.
On more news... my unit team came around & told me yesterday that there's a new rule that they can't print out our Contact Lists off the computer & give them to us anymore, which means that I can't get my addresses to write people. Are you fucking kidding me?!? The only reason I have BTB's address is 'cause I got those last comments in the mail while I was back here.
So PLEASE NOTE: I do not have my addresses to write to anyone. Please write!
All this hit is in-fucking-sane. And if I don't beat this shot (& I do have a good chance), I'm going to be in much worse trouble. Please say a prayer for me!
Now, although I did explain the situation about what happened in the hope that it doesn't make me look like a total junkie, I do realize that when it all comes down to it, this is all my own fault. I am so fucking stupid.
I look like a complete loser & my professional reputation is shot. What a fucking idiot. I assure you, I have been beating myself up about this & worrying myself crazy for 4 weeks now. I am in a full-blown depression & it was all brought on by my own stupidity.
This has got to stop. I know this. As bad & horrible as my life is, I'm only making things much worse for myself.
I have been a casual, recreational drug user since my 20s, but I have never had any issues with it like I have this past 6 months. Granted, it's all been accidental or a misjudgment like this past time, but I cannot keep doing this.
I assure you that it is something that I will be working on.
Until next time, I wish you...
Love & Blessings
KJ
PS- (Later that night)... I was brought 2 bags of my property tonight. I usually have 4 bags, so I'm missing a lot of stuff. I'm hoping that the other bags are somewhere in the property room & will be found.
I was able to get my addresses, but Becca - I only have a torn envelope of yours & it's hard to read the address. I'll try to piece it together & write you.
xoxo
KJ