MY RESPONSIBILITY!

Beginning in June of 1983, the thought of "getting out," or being free, has been first and foremost on my mind. Since my capture and incarceration, this thought has invaded my dreams and permeated my every-waking-moment.

I literally gasp for breath at what has happened and what is continuing to happen in my life. I had been told blood-curdling "war stories" about prison. I questioned my "courage," and even my ability to survive, I said to myself: "I am not going to make it" I had found myself in the most barbaric, life threatening challenges of my life.I was on my own to sink or swim. I began to realize how the obstacles of injustice in my life, along with the painful, stumbling blocks of my mistakes had caused my grievous downfall. I then reasoned, I could turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones and obstacles into knowledge of enlightenment.

Most of the prisoners were equally divided as to how to survive "doing time". It became evident to me that this was to be one of those negative/positive learning experiences. I decided to focus my energies on constructive-pursuits. I would discount as best I could, the enormous negativity of this "place of nothingness." Realizing that no-one, without exception was more qualified to evaluate and understand me, than me. The awesome task to self-therapy, self-evaluation and the search for inner-truth was my responsibility.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt totally alone. It was time for me to face the facts. That my lifestyle prior to my capture, probably wasn't the most reasonable course or even the best choice that I could have made. Plus, there were more of "them" (police, prosecutors, judges, etc.), than there were of me. By adapting a "You can't win them all" attitude, with that face saving soothing rationale, I was able to lick my wounded pride and get to be an opportunity for me to learn the "what's?" and "why's?" of my behavior, through the time that was available.