August 11, 2013: 6:00pm: Listening to "Fade to Black" by Metallica

Ken, hi, I got your comment and I wanted to thank you for responding to my blog. You said you were a friend of Justin and I'm sure you know that he is my little brother. I agree with you. When you're younger, when you really don't appreciate life and you take everything for granted, you can easily do time away from everyone at a young age. But when you have a family, and you have a wife, kids, people who rely on you, people who need you, count on you, being away is the hardest thing ever! I would give the rest of my life, if I could just have 1 year with my daughter. Just 1. She needs me and I can't help her. She has no one, no one to love her, no one to take care of her, no one to protect her, no one to teach her, and every day I worry about her. And the weird thing is, I have never even lived with her. I've been in here her entire life. But that doesn't make me love her any less. When you have someone or something to worry about, time goes slower, harder but when you have loved ones, you also feel better. You can feel more secure. You worry about them but you don't have the added stress of worrying about yourself, you don't worry about needing something and not being able to get it because you have family & friends who will help you. Doing a short amount of time, and having a life sentence are 2 different things when you think of how you feel and worry. You asked a few questions so let me answer you. You said would my time be harder if I had a wealth of family & friends? No. I say that because in here if I had that, I wouldn't have to worry about how am I going to pay my cable bill every month. Or if I wanted to go to school how would I pay for it. If I needed clothing or paper or whatever material possession I needed. With family and friends, I know I wouldn't go hungry and I would have what I needed. As a lifer I worry about my family, friends and myself. But with an abundance of them, I would worry about me a lot less so it would remove that part of the stress out of my daily life. I know what my future holds so as long as I am okay in here, then I worry a lot less about my own life and I focus on the people in my life. With a life sentence, having little in your life, or having no one, that is what makes someone anti-social, it makes you angry, a lot of people grow to hate so much. They become miserable. But then the guys who have a big family or a bunch of friends, they seem to always have better days than most in here. You asked how do the harder times affect me, Ken, there is not 1 single day in here that I haven't wanted to die. Is this what I want for the next 50 years? Can I do this? Am I strong enough to do this? I don't know. But family and friends give me the reason to keep going on. Read recently to a comment left for me by a woman from Sweden named Kat. She is the only friend in a man's life in prison. He has no one, no family, no friends, nothing but her. And he is depressed and always talking suicidal. Being alone, it's not good for anyone. It's not healthy and in my opinion, having more family & friends, it would make life a lot easier, happier, and having people to love, hope for, enjoy their stories, in your mind, it gives you a life to live. I'll give you an example. My brother Justin, you know he has not had an easy life. And now, he works his butt off to support his family. I love hearing stories about his daughter. I've posted photos on here of Lucy's 1st birthday. She is adorable and I am able to live a little more through his stories of Lucy. Hearing how she is climbing, getting into everything, how much she loves being in the water, seeing her smile in pictures, it gives me hope for the future. I know I will be close to her and I will have baby Lucy in my life and I will see her grow up in pictures, I will hear all of her life stories and I will have my niece in my life, but if I had a wealth of family & friends like I wish I still had, I might, I just might have been able to help my daughter. With limited help, I have done my best to fill her birthdays and Christmases with tons of presents, but nothing replaces the love that she is not getting, the love that we all deserve and want. Now let's say I had a lot of family and friends, I could have had someone send her a camera, a phone, I could have been able to see her in pictures, or call her. It's wishful thinking, I guess, but I still believe that if I would have had more, I would have been able to do more. And let's say you have 3 friends. You don't want to constantly ask them for help. You'll burn them out. Like my brother, he took care of me for years. But now he has Rachel and baby Lucy, they come first. But he is a very dedicated brother. I was not a good brother growing up, so quite often I thank God for putting such love and compassion in my brother's heart. He has grown into a man that I respect, love, and am very proud of. And his strength helps give me strength to go on. A lot of guys with life detach themselves from the outside and they grow to be such miserable and hateful people. I see it every day. I refuse to become like that. I might be the older brother, Ken, but inside, I desire to be like the younger brother. If you haven't talked to him in awhile, look him up in Facebook. You said you were helpless to fix anything while you were away and it hurt. But remember, if I still had a big family and a lot of friends, I just might have been able to see if any one of them could have helped Krista. Thanx for your comment, Ken. Take care, God bless and stay home. Family should always come first. Ciao.