reply ID: cweg

11-8-13: 4:00pm: Listening to: Nothing at all, because our cable is out.

Hi Bill, how are you? I got 2 responses from you today. Please remember that I rely on someone else to print your responses out and mail them to me and sometimes I might not get them all. One is fairly old and the other is a week old. So I wanted to respond to them both now. Let me start with your older one first. What you gotta remember about prison is that it can get very violent in an instant. You take hundreds of guys who committed violent crimes, some out of pure evil and some of hatred or in a fit of anger or rage, you take hundreds of men like that, men who are competitive about everything, and put them all in one place, there is bound to be violence. I was a thief when I was a teenager. I broke into so many houses and stole from people to keep myself from being homeless. And today, I am at a point in my life where I would love to go back and tell all those people who I was, why I did it, and that I'm sorry. I was about 17. I was homeless. I stole someone's VCR and all of those Disney kid movies and I have them to my baby cousins in North Philly, 5 little girls who loved those movies but were so poor they couldn't even afford a used VCR. But my sister was robbed this year and they stole her kids' toys and video games. And it hurt me to know my nephews are suffering now. I didn't always have a conscience, but I do now, and have for quite a few years now. Anyway, they have 1 prison for the sick elderly, Laurel Highlands, but other than that, the elderly are left to fend for themselves. So are the young. There are some young and frail white kids here who have raped by predators. Prison has become a way to warehouse the criminals. There is no help in here. This can be a very cold and evil place. But I chose to make the best of it. It's not easy. I am becoming more involved in the church and I like it. But life is still hard. There are a lot of boring times in here. That's another reason why outside contact is so important. I was watching a movie today and in it Steven Seagal said to the bully, "What does it take to change the essence of a man?" Now I had to look up the word "essence" to get its exact meaning. It said: Essence - nature, characteristics, substance, core, heart, soul. And you know what I come up with, Bill, it takes time, the desire, the will to change. Motivation, inspiration. It is not impossible for the most evil man to change. Maybe unlikely, but certainly not impossible. There is a man in here who murdered 3 people. And he's one of the nicest people I know in here. Doesn't even curse. I don't know him that well but after being here over 30 years, time was what it took for him to change. Some of these PA prisons are very rough and I definitely wouldn't want to be in a few of them. As for my daughter, I believe she did have a nice birthday. Her social worker, Hannah, sent me pictures and after 7 years of not knowing what she looked like, just seeing her smile brought tears to my eyes. Looking at her opening a birthday present, it made my year. I told Hannah I don't need anything else this year, this was enough for me. She didn't get any presents last year for her 15th birthday so I was so happy to know she got some this year. I am trying to do even better for Christmas for her. Normally I ask family & friends for money for me so I can live in here (19 cents an hour just doesn't cut it) but this year I am just asking for someone to help my kid. She didn't have a Christmas last year, and to know she was 15 and got no presents, it broke my heart. So this year I am trying to make it different. I'll gladly sacrifice for myself so that she can smile and be happy and feel loved. And sadly, I can only do it with presents. But I'll make do. I do what I have to. I used to be really lazy, I put things off and never do them so for the last few years I make a list and I follow it to a "T". If it goes on the list, it gets done in that order. Time does change, Bill, and I'm proof of that. I'm not all the way there yet but I am definitely on my way. You are not out of line to ask me about remorse. When I was locked up, I didn't know what remorse was. My dictionary says remorse: deep regret for a wrong committed, compassion, repentance, pangs of conscience, ashamed, sorry. I am all of that, Bill. But I felt anger too. It's been over 15 years. I did not plan it out. It was fight gone completely bad. And for years I was angry. Since he was homosexual, it made me hate them. But as I've grown, I am letting go of the hate, I am trying to be less judgmental. I don't know if I could have stopped that night. I was so angry, but so afraid at the same time. If I could put the world back to the way it was 5 minutes before that happened, I would give my life for it right this instant. The domino effect of tragedies that happened because of that night, I hate having the guilt on my conscience. He didn't deserve to die for his actions and knowing I ended a life with my own hands, it continues to haunt me. The level of responsibility that I've had to take on in my heart from this, it's extremely overwhelming. 1 death created so much pain, much more than I can deal with. I still remember his face, lifeless in my bedroom, I would pay to have that image burned from my mind because I see it like it was yesterday. He was a good person, and I wish to God this had never happened. I honestly don't know how to properly express remorse. I'm sick of crying, Bill. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with the memories and I become anti-social. Everyone just leaves me alone. Some days certainly are harder than others. You asked if we have to compartmentalize parts of our lives in here, yes we do. For example, I had to look that long word up to be sure I had it right, you separate the inside from the outside. You try not to let them touch each other or mix. I try not to let my problems seep into the lives of the people I care about. So I had to learn how to separate the inside from the outside. Not easy though. Then in here, you have so many different groups, cliques, gangs. It's not just black and white. Just like in a city, when it comes to gangs, color or race is forgotten. In this jail in particular there are at least a dozen gangs. Crips, Bloods, D.M.I. (Dead Man Inc.), 215 (Philly guys), a Muslim gang, 2 or 3 anti white gangs, a few Spanish ones and an Asian one. I belong to none. I'm a gym rat. I spend as much time as I am able to in the gym. It doesn't have to be for working out. I could spend an hour stretching or doing yoga (beginner). I could be running a cardio class with guys who want to work out but are not sure exactly how. I think most prisoners compartmentalize their lives. I know a few guys that are gang leader, they have killed a lot of people and are respected by all and when they are with their gangs, they are tough, scary, and I'll never speak to them. But in the gym, when we're working out, doing a crossfit work out, they are some of the nicest and most sociable guys you would ever meet in here. You have to learn how to keep your life in sections in here. Sometimes they overlap but you try not to let that happen. Well, Bill, I have taken up enough of your time today. This wound up being pretty long. Take care, God bless and thanx for writing. There is good in most people, but once we come to prison, society tends to want to give up on us. This may sound corny to some people but Jesus certainly didn't give up on anyone. No matter what the reason. Second chances are not easy to give but I think we all need to try. What kind of dog do you have? They are my favorite animal. Ciao.