Reply ID: 96gg

Everything God Does is For a Purpose. Why You, Ranya???
3/17/14 : 5:00 : Listening to: Diary of a Deadman by 5 Finger Death Punch

Day #2 of our annual Cursillo Retreat weekend

I remember a few people from my past. I am secretly called a walking dead man in here. That's what we lifers are. We are men just waiting to die. Remembering our pasts, we all silently do that in here.

I remember you, Ranya. I remember you, Mrs. Tice, the little Irish girl, Kelly, Jennen Pironti, Juniper Euphrasia, Michelle Myers, Corey Palermo, Melissa Bennett, Jason Delp, Doug East (spelled that one wrong), John Slattery, Timmy Swartz. And if I sat here and thought for a few more hours, I would probably remember a few more.

God does love me. I believe that.

He has helped me and gave me more opportunities ever since I let Him into my heart. I do believe that He is disappointed in me. I have not lived my life in a good way. But I try and I try to do better. I'm using this season of Lent to work on bettering myself.

I'm a very simple man, Ranya. Nothing complicated about me. When I first got your comment from the people that run my blog, I looked at it as a sign from God. He was placing you back into my life for a purpose. Maybe it was to teach me something, show me something. Maybe it was to be a friend or maybe it was just for you to tell me that I do matter, and my life does matter. But you never responded again, so maybe that's it?

I don't know, but I woke up at 4:45 AM thinking of you name. Your name came into my head in my dream, and I woke up and said I have to write her again.

I'm not looking to interfere in your marriage or to be a burden in your life. But I am continuously looking for a friend and for guidance. You wrote one thing that I try to make people understand: "You are more than your past mistakes." But in here, society sees us as people who will never be more than that. You are one of the few people who truly do believe that people can and do change. Some get worse, but some get better.

I was a brat in school. I grew up poor, so I felt pretty out of place. At times, I was a bully and that carried into my teenage years when I left school at 13 and moved. I thought life would be better by moving, but it wasn't.

But that's history. I am not that kid anymore.

I'm still learning who I am, I'm still growing and changing each day. I'm learning more, I have more hope now than I ever have in my life.

My daughter, Krista, seems to be doing better. As soon as I can save up some money, I will be able to call her.

What's weird is that the prison phone companies are so greedy. After the F.C.C. made the new law lowering the out-of-state calling rates from .45 down to .22 per minute, it is not cheaper to call my daughter and my sisters in Ohio then it is to call my mom in the Poconos. Costs $5.15 to call my mom for 15 minutes, and $3.30 to call my daughter in Ohio.

But Hannah told me that I am allowed to call, so as soon as I can get some money together, and I get the phone number, I plan to call my little girl for at least an hour. I haven't talked to her since she was 7 1/2 years old. Now she is 16 1/2. I'm sure you saw the old profile photo page of when I met my little girl for the first time. Sadly, in here. But since Hannah has come into our lives, she has given me so much more hope. Hannah might be a social worker, but for this situation with my daughter, Hannah is a gift from God.

But when I first heard from you, I wondered the same thing. I prayed on it and asked God why did you bring my past back into my life. I have been alone for so long, and I wonder why anyone from my past would return to my life for any reason. I was not a good kid. I didn't develop compassion for anyone until I learned it from Justine. And honestly, after she died, I lost my humanity for a few years. I was a mess.

But God has saved me and is changing more in my life. I'm still not the guy who reads my Bible very often. I don't go to Bible studies. But I do attend mass every week. I do spend time with our priest and deacon, listening and learning.

So I would like you to tell me, Ranya: why did you return to my life?

If you have no interest in talking to me or being a friend, I would like you to tell me.

I was once the teenage boy that all the guys wanted and all the girls had a crush on and flirted with. I had a ton of so-called friends. But when I committed my crime, it was so bad, no one wanted to be my friend anymore. Everyone bailed on me. I wasn't the kind of man who anyone wanted to be friends with.

So I ask you to tell me, Ranya. I won't be angry if you don't want me in your life at all. I believe God brought you into my life for a reason, but I'm not sure as to what that reason is yet. God brought Hannah into my life to help save my daughter. I would like to hear from you whenever you're ready. Your faith sounds stronger than mine. Maybe you are to help me strengthen my faith. I just don't know.

But there is a reason your name popped into my head while I was sleeping. There was a reason God told me to get up, write you, and prepare for day #2 of our annual Cursillo Church retreat. It's almost 6:00 AM, so you take care of yourself. And have a wonderful Easter. I do hope to hear from you, Ranya. God bless. Ciao.

PS: I would like to wish my brother Justin Pezzeca a happy 35th birthday on April 16th. Without him, I would have fallen apart many years ago.