July 18, 2015
12:30 PM
Listening to the thoughts in my head and heart

Cancer, Death. How Do You Say Goodbye?

Today I called my mom. I have been saving what little money I can so I can call her as often as possible. Today we talked about her health. I write this with tears on my face. I love my mom. We are so close, I am terrified of losing her. She is only 59.

My mom's sister, Cindy, she is a very devout Christian. So my mom called her to talk about this. I couldn't help but cry on the phone with my mom when she started to tell me how afraid she is of dying. The chemo isn't helping anymore. Her white blood cell counts remain the same. She is always tired and sleeps a lot.

My Justine was killed. My nonna (grandmom) died suddenly. I didn't get to see them, I didn't get to say goodbye. But this is my mom. How do you say goodbye to your mom?

I would sell my soul for a healing miracle right now. But I guess I did too much evil in my life. My prayers are no longer heard. I had considered ending my own life, but my mom does not deserve that kind of pain. No parent should ever bury their own child. I don't know what the future holds, but right now I just want to end this pain. I just want my mom to be healed and be healthy again. I would gladly die in her place.

I've thought of the church and if I will ever return to it after my mom's gone. I probably won't. I've tried for so many years to be a better man. But it seems to have gotten me nowhere.

How does one say goodbye to their mom? How do I just say goodbye, I'll never see you again? I don't know how to do that nor do I think I could.

My mom is the number one person I can call for any reason at all. If I need something, if I need her, if I just want to talk, my mom is always there. She has never abandoned me. But I have failed her. She deserved a better son than I could be.

i don't know if I'll ever write again after my mom's gone. I don't know if I even want to live without her. I think it fucking sucks that she is being robbed of her life at 59, when people like me have thrown their lives away. I beg God every day to heal my mom. Take the cancer from her body and give it to me. But no one listens. I don't know how to say goodbye and I don't want to.

My mom worked hard her entire life. We're all made in God's image. Why are we so flawed? Why do we get cancer? There are no words that can take my pain away except for, "It's a miracle, Beverly. Your cancer is gone." Other than those words, I am just lost right now.

Please say a prayer for my mom, Beverly Brown. She is a deserving woman. There is no evil in her. She loves her cats, she loves feeding the birds and animals, she is kind to everyone. Please pray for my mom. This is killing me. More importantly, she does not deserve this.

I am losing my faith. My faith is what got me where I am today. I am a better man. But I am losing it. My mom continues to get worse and I pray dozens of times each day for a miracle to happen for my mom. But no one hears me. I don't know what else to say. I'm a terrified son praying for my terrified mom.

Please pray for her. Maybe God will hear your prayers. Thank you. God bless. Ciao.