HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH DEATH?

MAY 2, 2017:

I GOT OUT OF THE HOLE YESTERDAY. I CALLED MY MOM. SHE IS IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN GETTING BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS 3 TIMES PER WEEK. THEY NEED TO KEEP HER "T-cell“ COUNT UP. THE LEUKEMIA IS KILLING MY MOM. WHILE TALKING WITH MY MOM AND CRYING WITH HER, SHE TOLD ME THAT MY DAD, HE IS MY STEP FATHER BUT HE MARRIED MY MOM WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND HE HAS BEEN MY DAD FOR OVER 30 YEARS. HE IS ALSO DYING OF CANCER. HE HAS A FULL BODY CANCER FROM PROBABLY A LIFE OF CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL. HE QUIT DRINKING AND LOST OVER 100 POUNDS BUT IT WAS THE CANCER. MY PARENTS ARE DYING AND I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF THIS. MY PARENTS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME NO MATTER HOW BAD I SCREWED UP, NOW I WILL LOSE THEM THIS YEAR. MY DAD IS DOING RADIATION & CHEMO IN ORDER TO TRY TO LIVE THE YEAR OUT BUT IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. HE WORKED A LONG HARD LIFE AT A STEEL CO. CALLED SPS TECHNOLOGIES. HE RETIRED LAST YEAR TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOM WITH HER CANCER. NOW HE WILL DIE AS WELL. I FEEL LIKE GOD CONTINUES TO SHIT ON MY FAMILY. I DON’T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS BUT IT IS HOW IT SEEMS, MAYBE TO ALOT OF US. I LOST @ BROTHER THIS YEAR IN THE SAME MONTH, ROBERT SLINEY AND JESSE BAKER, BOTH MY FAMILY, BOTH GONE AND I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW THEY DIED SO YOUNG. BOBBY 37 & JESSE BAKER WAS 40. MY MOM & DAD ARE BOTH 60. THEY ARE GOOD LOVING PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER HURT ANYONE, THEY DESERVE BETTER FROM GOD. I WOULD SELL MY SOUL, GIVE THE REST OF MY YEARS IN ORDER FOR THEM TO LIVE, HAVE MORE TIME TOGETHER. MY OLDEST BROTHER JERRY, HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE THAT OUR PARENTS ARE DYING. WHEN I LOSE MY PARENTS, I WILL BE ALONE. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOWER THEN THE CURB FOR THINKING OF MYSELF AT A TIME LIKE THIS BUT I AM CONCERNED FOR MY FUTURE AS WELL. HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY THAT THEY ARE ALONE, THAT THEY KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE ALONE? NOT MANY. SOME SURE, BUT NOT EVERYONE. MY HEART BREAKS. MY OWN DAUGHTER WONT EVEN BOTHER TO CALL HER DYING GRANDPARENTS. WHY KRISTA? I GUESS THAT SINCE SHE DIDN’T KNOW THEM GROWING UP, SHE IS TOO FOCUSED ON HERSELF. BUT MY PARENTS DO NOT DESERVE THIS! THEY LIVED A HARD LIFE BUT AN HONEST ONE. I READ IN THE BIBLE ABOUT MIRACLES, HOW JESUS HEALS EVERYONE, HOW PEOPLE ARE BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD, I ASK GOD NOW, WHERE IS YOU MIRACLE? WHY WILL YOU LET MY PARENTS DIE? THERE IS NO GREAT PLAN FOR THEM TO DIE, WHY NOT END MY LIFE AND HEAL THEM, I LIVED A LIFE OF DESTRUCTION, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS LIFE BUT THEY DO. MY BROTHERS DID NOT DESERVE TO DIE LAST MONTH. I AM THE LAST SURVIVING SON OF MY FATHER.

I TELL YOU NOW, I LOVE MY MOM & DAD WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND IF I DON’T GET MY MIRACLE, I AM DONE WITH GOD. THIS I WILL NOT FORGIVE. IF I WERE TO DIE, THEN THATS JUSTICE, I KILLED A MAN AND CAUSED THE DEATH OF THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, BUT MY PARENTS DO NOT DESERVE THIS. IF THEY DIE, I AM DONE WITH GOD, RELIGION, FAITH. I WASH MY HANDS OF IT.

I WANT TO TALK BRIEFLY ABOUT A NEW SITE THAT MY FRIEND JC HAS BEEN WORKING ON SO HARD AND IT IS A GREAT SITE. PLEASE CHECK IT OUT. JC IS A GREAT PERSON WITH A VERY SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND BEN, PLEASE CHECK OUT JC’S WORK AND IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, SEND HER A MESSAGE TELLING HER. SHE IS AN AMAZING PERSON. I HAVE MENTIONED THE SITE ALREADY BUT HERE IT IS AGAIN, FOSSILSANDFEATHERS.ORG

PLEASE CHECK THIS OUT AND LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO GOT BUT WE ARE WORKING HARD ON IT. IF YOU LIKE IT, PLEASE SHARE HER HARD WORK WITH YOUR FRIENDS. THIS IS A SITE FOR MEN & WOMEN LIFERS WHO HAVE CHANGED, THEY ARE SIMPLY ASKING TO BE SEEN AS A HUMAN BEING WHO HAS CHANGED. I WANT TO GO SIT IN MY CELL AND CRY FOR A BIT, TO LOSE MY PARENTS, I CANNOT FATHOM THAT. A PART OF ME WANTS TO END MY OWN LIFE BUT I WILL NOT HURT MY MOM ANY MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE LOST A PARENT, PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, HOW NOT TO LOSE WHO I HAVE BECOME. I DESPERATELY WANT TO MAKE MY MOM PROUD OF ME BUT MY TIME IS RUNNING OUT. MY PARENTS WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE THEIR 61 BIRTHDAYS IN DECEMBER AND I SAY IT BUT I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE IT. IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME, I AM LISTENING. I PRAY FOR MY MOM & DAD, ROBERT AND BEVERLY BROWN. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY PARENTS. THEY ARE NOT WHO I WAS, THEY ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHO I ONCE WAS. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO END THIS SO I JUST SAY CIAO.