Why do you want to be numb? Part 1

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

When you are numb, you don't want to deal with nothing. Instead you are very insensible to your real issue, that is causing you to look for a fixer up instead of dealing with the real issue. One thing we need to learn in life is that shortcuts majority of times leads to the road of destruction or death. But what amazes me is that: How we walk around saying I am alright. I don't have no issues. I been there, so that why I say we. Do you know what is so amazing about this even God knows we all have issue. I guess you say how do you know though, Jennifer? Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart (Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. We are going to get to our subject in a minute. First I want to give you a nugget as to that can help you. Even friends can make you fall. It is difficult for people to accept the fact that friends and acquaintances might be luring them to do wrong.

"Young people who want to be accepted would never want to confront or criticize a friend for wrong plans or actions. Many other people can't even see how their friends' actions could lead to trouble. While we should be accepting others, we need a healthy skepticism about human behavior. When you feel yourself being heavily influenced proceed with caution. Don't let your friends cause you to fall into sin."

Final nugget: our heart--our feelings of love and desire--dictates to a great extent how we live because we always find time to do what we enjoy. Solomon tells us to guard our heart above all else. Making sure we concentrate on those desires that will keep us in the right path. Make sure your affections push you in the right direction.

"Put boundaries on your desires: don't go after everything you see. Look straight ahead, keep your eyes fixed on your goal and don't get sidetracked on detours that lead to sin."

Let's get into our subject. I have some questions for you. Why are you doing drugs or drinking alcohol? Is it, because someone is putting too much pressure on you, that you cannot handle? Is it because you have not dealt with past issues? Is it because the people your around does it all the time, they are your friends, relatives or mate.

Did you started out selling alcohol or drugs but now you are addicted o it. Are you say to yourself I just can't handle life so, I deal with life by drinking alcohol or doing drugs, I just do both in order to cope everyday or night. How do I get untangled from this dark place? I hope I say something from my personal testimony that can help you live that life of freedom that is rightfully yours. Psychologically I was messed up for many years. I didn't know what to do or who to turn for help because everybody I went to end up putting more pain upon the pain I already had. I just couldn't kick the pain in the inside from being molested three times, raped, being the laughingstock from the other children at school and relative picking on me all the time. I just turned to suicide but every time I tried it I didn't succeed. I felt like I wasn't good for nothing and I was just trash to other people. That when they serve their purpose they was done with me. I turn to any kind of over the counter drugs that would make me sleep. Hoping one day I wouldn't have to wake up to the pain I was feeling on the inside because nobody understand how bad I hurt and where I hurt. I got addicted to latex but the more I was becoming deeper into my addiction. I spend countless cash on my addiction and I shelter myself from people sleeping all the time I hoping that I would not wake up. The pain on the inside was so hurtful till it was unbearable -- it seems like every where I turn, I would even get hurt more. I couldn't reach out because that fail me in the past.

I was out on bond from criminal charges. My bail bondman came looking for me. She said you didn't know you was suppose to be in court. That day I got locked up and sent to a prison. But what she didn't know she rescued me that day. Something nobody else cared to do. Just a couple more hours alone I was going to end my pain. I had a room full of pain pills. I had got to the point where I couldn't take another nightmare from all that I had been through the trauma, pains, upsets, disappointments, ostracize by people who I thought loved me. Even though I didn't even think God love me if he did why he let me go through so much pain. But he showed me he loved me through sending the bail bond and locking me up. You see I couldn't get the pain medicine or drugs anymore. I was still having the nightmare from my past of being molested, rape and people jabbing at me. All the words hurting me they wouldn't say to me. I couldn't see an escape. I had to face my giants some way, every night my pillow would be drenched with tears from me crying all night. I got tired of my life spinning around and around. I remember setting down in my cell alone while my cellmate was at her detail. How can I overcome this addiction and the pain on the inside and nightmares. I went to different counseling groups. I learned about triggers; that lead me to using the pain pills. But in my counseling groups I would not be open with my peers and facilitor because I felt they wouldn't understand my pain. So one day in my cell I decided to pick up a pen and some paper. I went back to journaling. I hadn't journaled since I was 13 years old. I had learned to bottle my feelings up on the inside because I had been rejected so much till I didn't believe anybody care about me and my issues. People always made a mockery out of everything I had to say. On that day in my cell, I begin to talk about the three molestation, how it made me feel and the acts that was done to me. Each page I completed it was painful and stressful. But I begin to feel a release from my pain. I did the same with being rape. I released it on paper. With the rape I had a harder time releasing because the person who rape me was suppose to be HIV positive. After so many years I have to constantly get tested for HIV. This years makes 20 years. I have tested negative by the grace of God.

After I release it on paper, I had to deal with the guilt, shame, embarrassment and blaming myself that these things happen to me for a long time it still was hard because I was beating myself up. I had to learn we're not to blame for all our troubles. Job 5:8 It is human nature to blame people for their own troubles, but Job's story makes it clear that blame cannot always be attached to those whom troubles strikes. Really the problem was with the people who victimize me not with me I had to realize that. once I acknowledge that my weight was lighter.Then I had to go through another hurtful process. It's called forgiveness. It was so hard to forgive the people who did all these hurtful things to me. Using drugs has nothing to do with being chemical imbalance. But had something do with psychological thinking.

So their for we need to deal with the mindset of the person who doing the drugs. What does psychological mindset means. The behavioral characteristics of an individual or a group. What I want to say to the addicts stop making excuse for yourself. Get free, deal with you issues no matter how painful and embarrassing they are. You not only affecting yourself but you are affecting everyone who comes in contact with you that don't deserve what is coming from you. Family members, friends, community, correction officers, judges etc. Stop judging, have a listening ear, help don't hinder the freedom in that the person that want to be free, some has deeper wounds that others.

Change the people you hand around but also make sure you are changing on the inside. So many people change who they hang around or leave but never changes on the inside. Rehab, AAA, NA and counseling don't help everybody addiction. Some time you need to release those issue so that you can be free. You may have to do it on paper like I did. Journaling daily is important. You can share your thoughts without anyone hindering you, but it's good to have somebody that can be important to your freedom by having a listener. Another I want to say we don't have to be suicidal. I've been many of time as result of my pain on the inside suicidal. But you have to realize there is a purpose for us to be on earth. So we can help somebody else.

You probably say you don't know what I am going through or been through. How do you know have you asked me! I've been through a lot. I just shared so much at a time. I want you to know every storm you have went through or currently going through. Somebody else is encountering the same storm right now. Somebody else has overcame that same storm. Never feel that you're alone in this by yourself. Be encouraged and I love you if nobody else has told you today.

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