Personal Journal

5/28/18
Discombobulated: I find myself to be discombobulated most days. :) I had a friend who used words all the time. I thought i twas a made up word, but there it is, in the dictionary.

When I was 13 and didn't know much about love, there were four things I knew I loved: my mama, apple pie, God, and OK. :)

Random thoughts as my days have all become the same one, over and over. The only things that seem to change is my age, my health, and the weather. I said all that so many times before.

I like my celly, Jimmy. He's just a kid. Just turned 20. He's too much like me. His past almost mirrors mine. I can see his future in mine, and my heart hurts for him. He thinks it will be so easy. So I did I, for a long time. Then somewhere, there were too many hurts and I lost my mind.

5/16/18
The thought of dying in prison is every inmate's worst fear. Be it from violence, old age, or disease. I don't want to die in prison. But I'm a realist. It's one of those things I can't do anything about, a process I started some 50 years ago. If and when I do die, I will have to rely on the state to take care of my remains. I have no one left who cares or who could afford it.

334 people died in CA prisons in 2016. The top causes were cancer (82), heart disease (26), and homicide. 2017's stats aren't out yet, but there was an increase. This year is off the chart just in here alone. About ten drug overdoses, and people just dying from lack of treatment or waiting for treatment.

I know there's something happier I want to talk about. Think about this morning. Like that beautiful red sunrise happening outside my window right now.

5/20/18
I picked up my new glasses this past week. I can see great now. I knew my eyes had gotten worse over the last couple of years. I just didn't know how bad until I put these new glasses on. Everything looks closer now and clear.

We don't have to pay for our medical stuff anymore as the court ruled that we are wards of the state, and they have to take care of everything. :) So we can look to get a lot less. :)

I did a portrait of Kaley Cuoco (Penny in the Big Bang Theory) this week. Color pencil and pastels, 9"x12". Looks good.

5/21/18
They confiscated my TV over the weekend. Said it wasn't the TV on my property card. It wasn't and it was old. I wait a while and start putting together the stuff to pick up another one. Until then, I can watch Jimmy's. :) The main thing is not to let myself get upset.

Maybe I'm ready for a change in surroundings. Another prison. Where? Not many I can go to with high rich medical chronic care. There's only a few, and they're always full.

5/22/18
They had a little riot in the Level 1 minimum yard yesterday. A CDC made riot. The suits in Sacramento have deiced to mix GPs and SNYs yard, and call them program yards. Of course, the people who work here know that wasn't going to happen and were ready outside there. As soon as they put in 30 GPs, they were jumped. People in Sacramento are all stupid. CDC people. :)

Don't know if we're going to be locked down today or not. I do know that 30 more GPs are supposed to be coming today.

5/24/18
I talked to Jimmy's mother yesterday. He turned 20 this month. He's still a kid, and she wants to make sure he comes home (stay out of trouble). He is a good kid. Everyone likes him. His new date is 9/9/18; he got a week off for groups. :)

Cavak, thanks for the post. I'm feeling better now. I think the medication (Prednisone) I was taking had something to do with a lot of my feelings the last couple of months. I stopped taking it a couple of weeks ago and am starting to feel better. They weren't doing anything for my arthritis anyway. It hurts to press on this pen right now.

5/25/18
It's raining this morning. I've just been sitting here watching it from my window for hours. It feels so close out of this bottom tier cell window, it almost seems like I'm sitting in it.

Like sitting in a car, it feels that if I look to my left, I can see my brother Tim beside me and my brother James at the wheel. If I look to my right, I'm at the wheel, my Jeannie beside me. My sister Linda beside her, Mercella riding shotgun. I'm sixteen and smiling. Now this old man has happy tears in his eyes.

5/28/18
Today I feel much quieter. I can hear the sounds of the 200 who live in the cell block with me, and it's all right in my mind. I know I must make my own sounds. My breathing itself is loud, so I'm told. And the way of my feet hitting this sidewalk is loud, the way I learned to walk when I was young on the city streets.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has said hello to me over the past few months: Cavak, anvrelion, Joy, teiftille. I will promise to continue to write and try not to be so down. But it is what it is. The long days are sometimes longer.

A love note to my Jeannie: I love you. You are always with me in my heart, in my thoughts. ❤ happy.

I'm going to try to paint today—if my hands hold out. :) Right now my fingers aren't hurting, but they are always numb. I can't close them into a fist. Right now I can hold a pen without much trouble. A paintbrush takes a lot less pressure. As you know and can always see in my writing, I get lost in my thoughts. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's bad. Right now, it's all good. I'll spend some time in Georgia this week.

I must repeat myself a lot. :)

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Prison Quiet
I get up early here
between the walls of light and dark
meditating in the pre-dawn hours
in the quiet of the night
with only the sounds
of the air flowing
out of the vent
the fan blowing wind
someone's toilet flushing
someone's soft music playing
someone crying alone
prison quiet surrounds me
in the dark between the walls
I clear my mind to meditate
as the sun rises over me
tears roll down my face

5/19/18
Steve Burkett

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Love Note
❤I love you with all I am. Your letter didn't stop the pain in my body, but it made me forget about it. You make my heart smile.❤