Personal Journal

When I look into the mirror on the wall, I see myself clearly. I am the one smiling back at me - along with my Jeannie. The new day bring me joy - be caring... be truthful, be loving, be thankful... be mindful... yes, I see you in the mirror beside me - you are my artist.

The painter Henri Matisse, who led several significant artistic movements, famously stated that creativity requires one thing: courage. To do something that breaks new ground requires risking failure or criticism. I believe it also requires some encouragement - someone to give help or patronage to the painter, writer, musician - we all have an artist in us but sometimes we need a little encouragement to get it out. I want to paint every day but it has become harder to get started. Right now I'm working on a painting for a friend's b-day so I'm able to push myself as I'm doing something for someone.

9/23/18
The hours and days go by slowly here in my prison but the years they add up fast and the loneliness seemed to never end - I miss my Jeannie even as I feel her here in my heart for surely without her love there I would cease to exist in any specified state of mind my thought would wander. Time here functions at an inferior level under adverse circumstances. I miss my life as I miss my Jeannie, as I miss my family, as I miss my old friends. I miss those that are still with us and those who have passed on. I miss my young friend Jimmy and I worry about the kid. He's been out two weeks now and I haven't been able to get in touch with him. I did talk to his sister last week and she's worried about him too - he has so little to work with and kids his age discourage easy. I got started on that Greyhound bus yesterday. It's almost done - I hope to finish it today then I hope to paint a larger one of the same bus. It is all part of what I call Americana.

9/26/18
Sometimes ones feel like they stand alone in here and look for outside contact. It is hard when most of your friends and family have passed on and others have just disappeared and those that are left have all but forgotten you. There are times I feel this way myself but I am one of the lucky ones that still has a couple of friends and some family. Then there is my love who is always with me. As I look at those with blank faces, without a smile I think to myself I never want to become that person. I finished painting the bus now I'm going to do a sketch of it and maybe a larger painting. This one is only 4" x 9" but it sure looks good. :) I wonder sometimes what is going to happen to me as I'm getting older, slowing down, hardly able to use my hands, joint pains somewhere 24/7, unable to defend myself. I look for some other prison I would want to transfer to but there are very few where the elderly are accepted and even fewer for people with medical conditions. I won't live in a dormitory. :) Hell, I find it hard to even find one person to cell up with. I have a lot of nos on my list for cellies - that's 90% out and the other 10% don't want to put up with me - not for long anyway - the word is I'm an asshole and it's my way or no way.

9/28/18
The end of the month is near - the end of the year getting closer. My birthday is in December. All I can remember this morning is prison, maybe because I've spent my whole life in prison. Maybe this is where I belong - I don't know anything else except my childhood and teenage years. I'm told my childhood was not all that great - we were poor, I remember the cold oil lamp for light in some houses like the one on the river where I almost drown and where I almost die from bee stings, all when I was a toddler - I went back there as a teenager, a young man, and cried that I can't show you where that old clapboard house was today. I can still remember the walk to the outhouse in the rain with my brother James, I can still hear my sister Maralla crying in the crib, smell the smoke from the wood stove used to cook on and heat the house - I can feel the cold air coming up from the cracks in the floor.

9/30/18
One day you look around and realize what life's about. To be surrounded by people who love and help you when you need it. Happy b-day to my little Mel 10/6 and happy b-day to my brother Tim and Aunt Alice this next month. If someone is reading this it would be nice if I get a message back. Anyone?