The Novelist Portent
Johnny E. Mahaffey
January 6, 2019

My INNER 2-YEAR-OLD

We all remember when we learned the word "Mine!" It's a huge turn of events in our lives, and a massive headache for our parents. And when we grow up, we're expected to leave it behind in our youth. But that's not always quite so easy.

For me, I want love. I want a woman I can call my own.

And in that, is my own downfall. Because she cannot ever BE my own. She is not my property anymore than I hers. Yet it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's something we learn, so share those we love with others. God knows I've had to, despite any efforts to the contrary. And it sucks! I admit it. So maybe that's a step in the right direction.

Maybe that puts me a little closer to someone who will understand me. Maybe not. Maybe it distances me further, locks in my fate. Maybe it won't matter for me either way, given my circumstances.

A prisoner died today in here. Beaten to death by his cellie because he talked to himself all the time (it's said). At first, the rumor was that "his head was cut off," but that was not true. There were no weapons involved, only rage. Blind, stupid rage. He was an older gentleman too. He didn't deserve to die like that. No one does.

I know that it could be me at any time, meeting an untimely end in here. So I try, I try so hard to connect with those I have lost before it's too late. The phone connected a couple of times today, and allowed me and Jaime to talk briefly. It's still not right. It cut us off and, at one time, she could not hear me speaking but I could hear her. And vice versa on another try. But we did talk. She is in so much pain. I hate this, I hate it so much.

Junky Jason's inner 2-year-old thought Jaime was his, and he wouldn't accept anything less. I fear that he could be capable of killing her and hope she keeps her distance. She's not mine, by any means, but I want her alive, safe, and happy. My inner 2-year-old might like the word "mine," but not at the cost of hurting anyone. And don't go throwing my crime in 2006 or any years prior. That was then and this is now. This is an older, wiser, more seasoned me.

But you know what? I would love for a woman to claim me as hers.

M