dvat
Personal Journal

It is not easy waiting for letters that never come. I have stopped asking the mailman if he has anything for me. I've even stopped looking his way begging the gods. When he does call my name, my heart races. I hope he doesn't see the disappointment in my face when I see it's only junk mail.

Reflections on aging: old age shows us what life unfolds very quickly and challenges us with stark consequences. We all have different past experiences capacities, karma, and different past life realizations. Life is short so let's enjoy each day we have. Tell the ones you love that you love them. I love you.

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3/20/19
Wednesday

I'm tired this morning, couldn't get to sleep last night. I overslept. Now I can't keep my eyes open. That's okay. I don't have anything to write about anyway. :)

I drew and painted all day yesterday and the day before. I have three paintings going right now. A clown (8 1/2x11), a rose with a hummingbird (6x9), another rose in a vase sitting on a chair. At least, at last I'm feeling like I'm enjoying painting again. For now, I'm going to close my eyes and see if I can see the painting in the back of my mind where all things begin and end.

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3/21/19
Thursday

:) I went through most of the day yesterday thinking it was Thursday. Everything was running late. The early KP workers didn't get out until 5 AM instead of 4 AM; dinning workers at 7 instead of 6; and breakfast at 7:45.

There was a light rain so I came out of medical from my breathing treatment. It was 9 o'clock and the real rain was coming down. Needless to say I didn't bring my raincoat. :) I changed out of my wet clothes and got right into my warm bed skipping the yard. I didn't get up until noon, when they called dayroom. That's when I realized it was Wed., the 20th. Top tier has morning dayroom on even days and botttom teir on odd days.

I did finish up the painting of the rose and hummingbird and got paid for it: coffee creamer, sugar, beans, and rise, and soups. It's hard staying away form sweets. :)

Not raining today and everything seems to be running on time. I will go to the yard. :) I'm feeling better today. Can't let anything get me down or I won't be able to get back up. My celly's starting to get the idea. Don't get up bothering me during my early morning time. Don't stand over me and don't talk to me before breakfast. :) I'll wake you up when it's time to eat. Okay, it's that time now. :)

It's going to be a good day. Old man time: 6:15. Maybe I'm a little morbid but I wonder sometimes how much time is left on the clock? Doesn't everyone?

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3/23/19
Saturday

Maybe it's all the rain we've been having here this winter, but I'm having trouble with remembering the days and dates. I was looking at the calendar and still wrote down the wrong day. :) It's just after five here and the rain is coming down in buckets, raining cats and dogs, and not a day for a code on the way to or from the mess. We have to sit on the ground during a code. :)

I was in 5 Building at old Folsom for a good while. That's the two original granite rock buildings surrounded by a granite wall with a tin roof over it. I could lay awake all night listening to the rain's music dance off that roof. Of course, I was on drugs most of the time then. Still, I enjoy the sound of music it has always reminded me of when I was little and my brothers (James and Tim) and I would be playing in the barn on rainy days. I'm only just realizing that this joy from my childhood is the reason I enjoy the sound of the rain today. Like sitting in the car with the rain and the windshield wipers keeping time with whatever song is on the radio. I miss my brothers.

I'm going to have to stop for now and separate the rain from the tears. My memories are mostly happy, but even remembering happy ones can make one sad, like Tim drinking the last beer.

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I feel I should
be looking for something
lost memories
lost brothers
lost love

the time wasted
inside prison walls
paling concrete floors
worrying about things
I can do nothing about
years have seeped
into my bones
today I stand
backed into a corner
hands covering my face

3/23/19
Steve Burkett

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Our eyes are there
for more than crying
yours shines all the
time with your smile
making my heart
go pitter-patter

3/22/19
Steve Burkett

Time stamped: 01/4/2019