Ronald W. Clark Jr.
The Death Row Poet

Daily Journal
March 16 - 18 2012
[text is wrapped around a logo titled - The Death Row Poet. Logo includes an image of the author surrounded by a circle of barbed wire. It includes a URL: http://betweenthebars.org/blogs/1581/ronald-w-clark-jr]

FRIDAY March 16, 2012. 6:50am. Here we are and very unfortunate to see another day. Last night mail came around 9:30pm. I got a letter from Anne and then several comments from the blog, which I felt a need to respond to John's comment and then Kimberlita. So I stayed up late doing that. It's amazing how we human beings are so quick to judge, and to judge so harshly. I do the same thing, so I'm just as guilty of it. I wonder if John is a Christian?

Anyways, I'm supposed to go have a new EDOC photo and I.D. tag mad this morning, so I've got to stay ready for that. I'll work out at some point today and write Anne and my mom, the two people that I have to thank for my "over-priced, cheaply made, mp3-player," that no doubt the state made a [underlined]butt load of money on[/]. $120.00 for 8gb MP3 that they charge $1.70 a song for. To be honest, I wish the state would take everything, Mp3, TV, radios, canteen visits, etc. Cause then, and only them, would these guys come together and stand up for what's going on in here. That's just wishful thinking, it'll never happen. Food has gotten bad. This morning we had a little sausage patty that would cover the inside of the barb wire here on my logo [transcriber's note: see original images, page one] with 2 slices of bread with maybe 2 or 3 ounces of grits and potatoes that aren't cooked properly. Lunch is going to be even worse - Spanish rice, which is an insult to the Spanish people.

I've already made my bunk. I need to clean the floor, sink and toilet, and start a letter to my mom or Anne. My leg is still hurting and this is day five.

8:01am. Just watching the news of Fox51 Orlando. Seen a woman walking her dogs down the side walk, sun shining. Outside the dirty nasty windows here I can see the sun hitting one wing. And I was just thinking about what it was like to be free. I forgot. When I was on the street I was too strung out on drugs to enjoy like. I remember times that I enjoyed like, for instance after an LSD trip. I never had a good experience with LSD but I'd continue to do it. Not sure why, maybe because I'd enjoy life the next day. After having a hellish trip, you come down and everything turns to normal and trees and grass and everything is so beautiful. And you're thankful to be alive and to have survived a nightmare. I'd never trip back to back todays. Once I came down I was thankful for things to return to normal. But freedom is all but gone. I'll never see it again. This is the reality of my existence, in this hell hole. If I could only change the past, where I would have made better decisions. No drugs or alcohol, got an education and done something positive with my life. Should of... would of... could of... Yet I'm stuck with regrets, that I live and relive, every day in this stinking ass 9 x 7... 63 square foot cage that I exist in 24 hours a day. If, and that's a big "IF", I'm lucky I might get up to six hours a week out of this damn cage. Three hours twice a week.

And then, I'm in what amounts to a dog cage on the recreation yard. Humane, the humane thing to do, would be to kill me. Put me out of my misery. For 22 years I've been held captive like this. Twenty-two years. Over half my life has now been spent in this damn cage. Damn!! Believe me, I think about checking out of here on my own, calling it quits. But there's too much uncertainty about death. And it would be my luck I'd have to come back and relive this shit. {frowning face} And everyone has their religious beliefs/ideas but there's only one thing we know for sure, and that is to live, is to die. For as each day passes we are one day closer to this life ending. Is this all there is to life? Is there reincarnation, a heaven and hell? We don't know, we can only speculate, rely upon beliefs that someone else, some other human being, put into our thoughts.

Life is uncertain, and death is even that much more uncertain. And only a liar or fool will try and convince themselves otherwise. I just exist and deal with this shit the best I can.

9:12am. They told me to get ready for photos, so I'm going to the movement center which is on the other side of the compound. Get to go for a ride in the van.

10:34am. I'm still sitting here waiting to go. They're going to talk me last because of this heightened security. I read John's comments about me pissing off the sharks, I become "bait". My take on that is if there's nothing worth giving your life for, then there can be nothing worth living for. We must be willing to stand for something. I believe in what I'm doing. I'll gladly look into the eyes of the shark and sacrifice myself for others. At least I'm doing something honorable. Can I ever redeem myself, no...not in my eyes, but I'll do all I can. Like I said in an earlier blog, I'd gladly let them put a GPS tracker in my, even a device to terminate me if I didn't follow orders, and send me off to the mountains of Afghanistan, or anywhere they want. I'd be glad to redeem myself but even doing that, I'd never satisfy redeeming myself in my own eyes. I'm on the front line here, and I will not back down from this corrupt administration. And in the even my country ever murders me under the mantle of justice, so be it. I'll never regret, for speaking up and speaking out against capital punishment, a simple way to justify murdering the poorest of society.

Guess I'll pace back and forth and wait for them to come get me for these photos.

12:26pm. Looks like they cancelled me for the photos. They could come for me, so I need to be ready just in case. I was putting a canteen sheet together to put on the blog so people like Kimberlita and others can see how much the EDOC and this company is over-charging us and our families. I'd love to be able to sell my cards in order to earn money so I can take care of myself. Just was told that I'll be going for photoes on Monday. Wasted my whole morning.

3:04pm. I haven't accomplished anything today. I've been sitting here watching basketball. Fla. leading at half-time. Fla. State is not looking good, down 7-0. I need to work out really hard tomorrow. I really should have done something today. I have soup and fish for lunch. The lunch tray sucked - Spanish rice, which is just nasty. Carrots that look dirty, a salad that looks a week old and some pudding that's runny as water. The food comes on what is a school tray and the portions are small. You could find dogs that would turn their nose up to this food. It's not the food, its the preparation. Them guys can't cook, and they have no business being in the kitchen. Tonight be have another processed patty, rice, gravy, corn, coleslaw, cornbread and cook Which is the same crap we had yesterday. Yesterday it was called a chicken patty. Tonight it's called a Salisbury patty. It looks the same, tastes the same. Compressed cardboard, nasty as hell!

Anyone who thinks we're living good is crazy. This is a really screwed up existence. It's not pretty. There's things that help out, canteen, mail, visits, recreation. From time to time sports or a TV show. But it's all very temporary enjoyment. I feel bad for Fran but Stoney's been dead a month and his suffering is over. Fran is probably still suffering, just as my mother and a few of my friends may suffer upon my death, but my suffering will have come to an end. And there's times that I've thought about cutting this short. I use to even pray for death, a short life. I stopped doing that a long time ago. I lost faith in God. Just my luck to suffer a lon life. Hey... it is what it is, and life can be a cruel bitch! I do try to make the best of it, try to make some sort of impact, which is hard to do from in here, and that's why I like to blog. I hear of suicides, teenagers and these soldiers, I just want to say Come on! Really!! "If I can survive I know damn well you can!" It's hard for me to see people give up. And I know what it's like to want to give up. I have guilt and shame that you can't even begin to imagine. I was molested by 3 different individuals before I was 10 years old. At 8 or 9 years old, I had to stand in front of my mom, shielding her from my father in order to keep him from shooting her. I have guilt over my Big Ma's death, Register's dead, and I was only 8 or 9 years old living with that guilt. I have guilty over a friend name Jimbo getting killed in Marcg 1988. The two people that died in the car wreck in Aug 1987.

I deal with the guilt of my Dad murdering Connie on March 24, 1997. I have guilt that I live, and relive, daily in this 9 x 7... 36 square foot hell hole. It's been a rough and bumpy road. Thinking back on it, I wonder how I've managed to survive it. On the street I used drugs and alcohol to escape life and the guilt and shame that I felt. That's not the way to go. For the problems are there, and hit you even harder when they return. I know I'm a little preachy right now, so I'll stop.

5:05pm. For dinner I'm making me a Armor Beef Stew with beans and rice. This is one of my favourite meals. After I eat I'm going to wash some clothes and lay down.

SATURDAY March 17, 2012. 6:48am. I got several letters in last night. Mom, Ken and B.T.B. with a comment John left about me having replies removed, which I can't do nor would I do. Like I said, "All replies are welcome." People don't have to agree with me, or like me. Believe me, I talk the talk and walk the walk, but I'm imperfection at its best. I don't hold myself to be holier than thou. People have to understand it may take me a week to get their replies and respond to them. So I need to respond to John, write my Mom, Anne and Ken, and get in a good workout. Gives me something to do, to help me pass the day.

We had coffee cake and oatmeal for breakfast. Those coffee cakes are getting smaller and smaller. I know they cannot be meeting the calorie count. Oh well. I took my vitamin. I'll take my Prozac here in a little bit. Made the bunk, now I need to wash the floor, since and toilet, and get this workout in.

7:54am. Cleaned the cell and I've set up for my workout. I'm going to do chest, back and shoulders and see where it goes from there. Let me get started with this. Jumping jacks: 125. Decline pushups: 1st 44, 2nd 27, 3rd 21, 4th 16. Bench presses 14 bags: 1st 15, 2nd 13, 3rd 12, 4th 12, 5th 11. BB standing rows 14 bags: 1st 7, 2nd 7; 10 bags: 3rd 12, 4th 10. Military presses 10 bags: 1st 10, 2nd 9, 3rd 7. Bench press 10 bags: 1st 30, 2nd 20. Flies 5 bags: 1st 19, 2nd 11, 3rd 9. Decline flies 5 bags: 1st 10, 2nd 9. 3rd 8. Cardio running: 15 mins. Toe touches: 100.

9:59am. Just ate a tuna fish and saltines. I've got to wash clothes and I'm going to bath in here today instead of going to the shower. The officers hate having to take me down there in all those chains, so I'll give them a break and bath in here. I actually get cleaner in here. In the show, you don't want to touch the walls; there's mildew on the walls, in the soap dish holders, and it's nasty. You don't want to take your shower slides off. In here I can soap up, and get clean, and pour cups of water over me to rinse off. It's time consuming, but I've got time. Right now I'm going to make me a cup of tea.

11:57am. I wrote my mom, and right now I'm making a soup. There's nothing on that tray worth eating. I'm going to see what basketball games are on, and then decide what to do next.

1:06pm. Just finished washing clothes and bathing. I feel so much better. It beats the 5 to 7 minutes we get down there in the shower. I'm going to lay back and watch some more basketball and then decide what to do next.

3:47pm. Just watching basketball. I fell asleep earlier for about 30 to 40 minutes. I don't like the way these games are spread out on these channels. I just heard thunder. Speaking of that, I seen the mess them tornadoes made in Michigan. At least no-one got killed. I'm going to write either a letter or a poem.

4:08pm. Here's the poem I just wrote. It's not too bad. About the retaliation I'm facing here.

"Reprisal"

Heightened stupidity -
is what they display
retaliating in -
such an ignorant way.

Stupidity...
redneck, back wood.
This sorry ass reprisal
will do no good.

For I'm playing by the rules.
I'm doing it right.
And I'll sacrifice my life
to win this fight.

For this...
is no ruse.
What we have here
is staff on inmate abuse.

So I'm here to say -
I will not quit!
Till they stop all this -
retarded ass shit!

[Written March 17th, 2012 by Ronald W. Clark Jr. The Death Row Poet.]

4:36pm. Just finished a reply to John and here's dinner.

4:52pm. Just finished eating. I ate what was on the tray. Some type of meat with BBQ sauce on it, nasty sauce. And there was bread, potatoes and salad. I need to cut back on soups. I'm fixing to have me a tea. Sure hope to get my MP3 player back this week. Kimberlita was saying her kids didn't have one. I've seen them in magazines for $30.00. And there's places on the Internet where you can download music for free.

Here we have to buy an off brand name for $100.00 and then £1.70 a song. Just something that was on my mind. They're far more affordable out there than they are in here, and a much better quality and brand.

They just started the showers. I told the Sgt. I already got mine, he said, "That sounds good to me." Well, I'm going to lay back and watch some more basketball.

SUNDAY March 18, 2012. 6:47am. I woke up at 4:30 still tired. I need to get this workout done earlu and then do some writing, watch the race and see if there's any good NCAA games on CBS. I'm so sick of this place. I woke up this morning - and just had one of them moments. People can't even imagine what this is like, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, of waking up in this damn cage! An'd I've done it for 22 years. No people can't even imagine what this is like. What a life, what an existence, cause this is not much of a life. You just want to scream death! "Where are you baby?! Bring your candy ass on and get me!!" Yes maybe I'm starting to lose my mind. This place takes a toll on you after a while. The loneliness is just part of it. I haven't touched another human being in several months. This place is like no other.

7:50am. Starting workout. Crossover crunches: 50, 30, 30. Toe touches: 100. Jumping jacks: 125. Rev. grip curls 4 bags: 1st 12, 2nd 10, 3rd, 10, 4th 10. DB curls 4 bags: 1st 12, 2nd 12, 3rd 10. Hammer curls 4 bags: 1st 10, 2nd 10. Tricep ext. laying 4 bags: 1st 14, 2nd 10, 3rd 13, 4th 8, 5th 10, 6th 6.

8:51am. Finished it up. Wasn't the best. At least I got a little something done and got a sweat. I'd love to have some BBQ ribs or a dozen fried eggs with tater tots and a steak, or some grilled cheese sandwiches. Well it's time for Sunday morning with Charles Osgood. They're going to do a piece on depression and anti-depressants. Since I deal with depression and take Prozac I want to catch that.

9:37am. That peice on depression was ok but the guy they had on there obviously didn't deal with severe depression. I don't care for taking meeds, and I've tried to get off of them and crashed, so I know Prozac works for me. I then flipped over to ABC This Week, and them talking about what Republicans need to run on. Pornography and the ban on it. That's just stupid. If you don't like it, don't look at it, but stop trying to dictate what others do or believe. Most of those people trying to stand against it, if we could see them in their bedrooms and bathrooms it would probably make porn look like a rated G movie. We, human being are sexual creatures. We were either created with this sexual urges or evolved with them. But those who say they have no urges, they've never touched themselves, etc. etc. are liars or they're not normal. Look at all the preachers, priests, senators, congressmen and even presidents and presidential candidates that have gotten caught doing stuff that they've spoken out against. Hypocrites! Men speaking out trying to ban abortion. It's not out body, it's not our right! I don't like abortions, wish they weren't needed, didn't happen. Facts are without them we would have a major population problem. There's orphanages filled with unwanted and unloved children who will never have a home with a family that loves them. We don't see these people speaking out against abortions putting their money where their mouth is, adopt several unwanted and unloved children. Bringing a child into this world is a very "selfish act" of lust. And that child has to suffer for it. LIfe is a continuous cycle of pain and uncertainty. And when we can't figure things out, we create a God who has all the answers. Humans...we're a mess. Always have been. Always will be.

Enough of that.

1:04pm. Just finish washing clothes and bathing. Fixing me a soup right now and getting ready to watch the race. There's no NBA today on ABC and CBS is showing garbage games. I wanted to see Florida. Still haven't written any letters.

3:27pm. Just finished a letter to my cousin. I'm watching the race and heating up some of my stew that I was eating earlier. I fell asleep for about 15 minutes around 2pm. I was just tired. I very seldomly fall asleep during the day and I did it yesterday and again today.

4:10pm. The race is over. Dale Jr. just can't seem to win. I seen on May 5 there's going to be 4 UFC fights on Fox. I hope to get to see them. Guess I'll go watch the rest of these games and then the Amazing Race and off to sleep. Right now I'm going to get a letter started to Anne. I have a couple of other letters to write but I need to wait until I get some more stamps in.

5:07pm. Just finished letter to Anne. She said something about some Buddhist murdering Christians. I want to find out some more about that, for killing any living creature goes against everything a Buddhist stands for. I really want to find out some more about that. Fixing to call it a day. Another weekend gone, another day in the books. Until tomorrow, I'm out of here.

Ronald W. Clark Jr.
The Death Row Poet.
March 18, 2012.

[letter ends with same logo as on first page.]