"STATE OF CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS"
CELL PARTNER
AGREEMENT
A LEGAL AND BINDING CRIMINAL CONTRACT

The following is an agreement to be signed by you, since you have been selected to live with me. Enclosed are THE RULES that must be followed by you if you intend to live in this cell. Before you read THE RULES and agree to them, realize, you are not my cellie yet. You are not a guest or a buddy. You are an intruder on my space. And I can't stand the fact that you have shown up at my door. I don't know you, I don't want to know you. I don't have anything for you, but I don't have anything for you. So please read THE RULES carefully.

THE RULES

1. You will keep your area and your ass clean.
a. Do not come in here smelling like someone shit on you. Therefore, you will wash your ass and other body parts daily with soap and water.
b. You will wash your clothes as you dirty them and not leave them laying on the floor to propagate odors, fungi, and other vermin.
c. You will sweep and mop the cell 7 days a week and keep the sink and toilet clean as you use them.
* If this first rule is not strictly followed, it will result in my shitting on the floor. Further dereliction of your cleanliness duties will result in my shitting on your bunk. Got it?

2. Door, Windows, Walls and Lights.
a. The door is mine. I will decide when the door is to be opened or closed. If I'm asleep and at any time you need to enter or exit, you will shut the door behind you.
b. If the window covering on the door is in place (the "Shitter Curtain"), there will be no knocking at the door or attempts to engage a conversation at the door. I AM BUSY! THERE WILL BE NO DISTURBANCE FOR ANY REASON! (And stay the fuck away from the door - I don't have a front porch)!
c. I will adjust MY window as *I* please for ventilation and lighting. The window is for my comfort not yours.
d. The walls are mine. Do not attempt to put up any pictures, certificates, or plaques. I have no interest in your achievements.
e. The lights are mine... need I say more.

3. The desk is mine unless I tell you that part of it is yours.

4. If you see a TV, radio, fan, headphones or hot pot, keep your fucking hands off of them unless I give you permission to touch them.
* Don't ask for permission - you won't get shit!

5. Personal Property
a. If it is not YOUR shampoo, soap, deodorant, books, or anything else, do not touch it!
b. What's mine is mine and what's yours is subject to be mine.

6. Never bring one of YOUR friends into my cell. I am FORCED to double-cell. Triple-celling is out of the question. If you violate this rule, I will perceive it as a hostile move on your part and you should be prepared to fight for your life.

7. Any contraband that is introduced into my cell - drugs, alcohol, weapons, pornography, green money, etc. - will reap severe consequences. (for Consequences refer to Rule 5, Section B.)

8. Do not ask me any personal question at any time.

9. I don't give a damn about hearing anything about your sentence, private life, or case - UNLESS YOU PAY ME TO HEAR YOUR SHIT. Fuck you, fuck your case, and fuck your small talk. I don't give a fuck about how you are doing your time or how it drives on you. We all want out, we all want pussy, we all want liquor and drugs. Don't talk to me, motherfucker.

10. I do NOT wake up anyone for chow, work or appointments. If you miss any of your meals or appointments, fuck you! And do not come and get you for anyone, fuck you!

11. Noise.
a. Never snore, fart, sing, whistle, or tap your feet to music - imagined or otherwise.
b. If you own, or plan to own, a television or radio, you will respect me by always using headphones.
c. I do not respond well to confrontations. I will determine whether I use headphones or not.

12. Canteen.
a. Buy your own cigarettes, coffee, zoo-zoos and wham-whams. I will provide for me and you will provide for you. There will be ONE exception to this rule. (for Exception refer to Rule 5 Section B.)
b. You may put money on my trustfund account at any time and for any reason.

* Please Note: There is not a space for me to sign because these are your rules, not mine, dumbass. You will not talk to the police about this contract, I do not tolerate rats.

I understand that by signing this document, I agree to - adhere to, abide by, and bear responsibility for THE RULES.

Your Signature