Words Betray Me

You know just a few weeks ago, I spoke on some of the things that were happening to me. But as much as I was happy in some sense about them I should have foreseen it as a sign once I spoke them that they were not to last. Happiness is something in my life that never seems to last for very long if at all. Have you ever heard that out of the mouth you can speak either blessings or curses? Have you also heard that what a man thinks so that he is? Well, most of what I thought would progress this year has digressed or become completely non-existent at all. Take for example Richard. I am no longer with him. Which really I didn't expect to for very long. It was more so of a game to him and I got that impression despite the fact that I never spoke on it to him or anyone else. Really I prefer to be with a woman. No, I don't sit here and label myself as anything one way or the other. I am who I am. I try to shy away from stereotypes and labels of any kind. Where I am people are always trying to put labels on me because of how I do my hair or walk or even how I talk. This bothers me. But despite this I don't ever try to live up to anyone's opinion of me. Granted, from a very young age it has been taught to me that it is right to be with a man but this is not where I am happiest. Even though I have the worst luck possible with women I still prefer to be with them. I could give a thousand reasons as to why but then again it would not narrow down the 'whys' of why I choose to be with them. I try to keep from uttering anything out of my mouth unless it will have a positive result of some kind. But as of late, I feel utterly powerless to control anything around me about my life. There are some people that would like to have everything given to them but not me. I am content to set a goal for what I want and do everything I can to reach it. I do admit that most of my goals are almost next to impossible to reach but that still does little to stop me from trying. I am reminded of a character in this series I am reading. It's called Eragon. I'm on the 3rd book now but as I have been reading the book I find myself noticing things that Eragon does that are similar to what I would do in those kinds of situations. Yeah, maybe I don't have to battle elves, or creatures, but I still have my own battles to fight nonetheless. I do, however, try my best to take everything in stride. Like the negative things that have taken place since I started this year. I tried to bring it in with prayer and had a good feeling about everything but even still bad things have happened. At times I am extremely weary and so much so that I wish to lay down and fall into a deep sleep only to wake up in another place or another time. One where none of the world I know exists. I do understand that life is in no way perfect. For how could it be with everything that exists in this world? But is it so much to ask for me just to be able to be content once in a while? Not even happy. For happiness in my humble opinion is too much to ask at this point and that would be setting myself up for failure even before I began. I have always known what I wanted. No matter what comes along. I still know. No matter what I say my words always seem to curse me therefore betraying me to agony.