The Greatest Prison Personal Ad Ever
by Nate A. Lindell Created 24 March 2013

Guys and gals in prisons are infamous for looking for love in all the wrong places - old folks' homes, insane asylums, even other prisons. The following personal ad is what I came up with after more than a decade of in-depth study and under-cover surveillance as a guaranteed way to "come up."

Are you blind, mute, or just deaf? Are you suffering from any incurable and/or contagious diseases?

Do you own more than six cats, dogs, or other fur-coated surrogate children? Do you allow them to urinate or defecate where they will?

Have you been diagnosed with more than three but less than six psychological disorders (including all personality disorders except borderline) and take two or more but less than five psychotropic medications?

Do you have flippers instead of hands and/or feet, more than three nipples, eyes, or ears, more than 10 fingers and thumbs or toes, or any major body parts in non-traditional locations (e.g. your head up your ass)?

Have your ever been features on "Ripley's Believe It or Not" or listed in the Guiness Book of World Records due to any physical characteristic.

Do you believe in any religion that rejects the material world as false or evil in any way, and you will persistently try to convert me to that religion, using red ink, capital letters, multiple-underlines and other eye-catching techniques to ensure I don't overlook your critical points?

Are you in another country and willing to do whatever it takes to become an American citizen?

Are you a man, a woman, or a little bit of both? Are you gay, straight, or a little of both or a lot of either?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then we were made for each other! Call me, write me, or send me a psychic message, along with a photo showcasing the medications, ailments, pets, physical deformities, and/or religious literature you have on hand.

PS Seriously will one of your readers post this on prisoninmates.com for me?