1347 4.16.13

"RISE ABOVE!"

"The politics of prison has taken a harsh turn that has rendered me, as a prisoner... a being less than human. Prisoners, like all humans subjected to unreasonable cruelty, will react with violence and irrationality."
-Hartman "Mother California"-

"If's as if I've been sentenced to death by a very long and protracted method, one that includes the gradual imposition
of a civil and social death, a sort of dematerialization - as if the life I led before prison was a dream, and the life
I lead now the only reality.
-Hartman "Mother California"-

Dealing with petty, small-minded cowards is a true test of your strength. I don't know _how_ the fuck I'm able to sit here and take the psychological torture and attacks being inflicted on my daily! Do they know Doe V. Harris will set me free? It seems they _do_... but _why_ would they want to poke the bear? Man! If I could only speak my mind right now! As much as I'd like to share that nightmare fantasy with everyone, I know better. I miss the level IV world where guards
threat you w/ respect because if they fail to...? Well, you know. I decided to "decompress", meaning move from a crazy ass, several stabbings a week level IV (Lancaster) to a very mellow, relatively non-violent level III because I know eventually I will get out and I don't want to be the monster I was quickly becoming when I do. Now, due to the constant barrage of harassment, attacks, and disrespect spit into my face by "staff", I'm starting to once again spend my waking hours fantasizing of elaborate scenes of sweet revenge while my sleep is consumed with dreams of the same. This is a mindset I don't want. What am I gonna do? _Finally_ get my freedom back just to squander it on some misguided desire for justice? Justice is a lie! There is only revenge, retaliation, vengeance, talion, and it eats your soul 'til you are
rotten inside, like a brain cancer that's lain untreated, undiagnosed for way too long. I made a conscious effort to try to shake the hate dished up by the state, but once again it seems like its being forced into my heart. And its not like anything else has been occupying that space. Imagine a dog, muzzled and chained to a tree. Now imagine someone, (its "owner"), kicking it every day, over and over. Teasing it, taking away anything it may have, just plain abusing it. Over and over and over. And getting other people to do the same, or at least stand around smiling at the dog's pain and frustration and humiliation, which of course, a piece of shit that would do this thrives on. And this dog has already and permanently been separated from its mate and puppies and all other related dogs. This dog knows there is nothing he can do at this point in time. He's powerless to stop this blatant abuse of power what do you think this dog dreams of? What do you think this dog will do if it even gets loose? Be a good little dog? Or turn vicious and full of hate? I know EXACTLY what that dog wants. And you can't blame him! Any piece of garbage that inflicts pain and suffering on another sentient being while they are in such a defenseless position, especially when its just for the pleasure the turd gets from bullying someone in that helpless state, loses all rights to... [be treated like a human] Okay... had to censor myself there, but I'm sure you catch my drift! I don't know how some people justify, in their tiny minds, their shitty treatment of others when the balance is so out of wack. And isn't it a damn shame that the prisoner has better ethics and morals than the "human" guarding him! I'll persevere in the end and I just have to make sure, at all costs, not to EVER let them get that chain around my neck again! They can stew in their own pettiness and spite while I "rise above" 'cause in the end, if all goes well, none of their hate will mean a thing in my life. In the meanwhile, I have to bite my tongue and try to make it out of here with my mind intact! They must have had a lot of abuse inflicted upon them in their childhood. I should probably feel sorry for them, give them my pity at what could have made them into what they are... but I'm only human! I'll curb my hate, but they'll garner no empathy from me!