Transcription
"Eager Beaver" 06.03.2013
Take away the trick
Which I think everything is
Help my mind grow up
I can't quit behaving like a kid
Seasons pass like they're my last
Hours poke and prod me like
Knives carving signatures internally
Yet they avoid arteries, jugulars
Body cast cell sized serpentine insanity
I make it past defeated to being cheated
Die like this because the fear for it exists
Living lets you know flavor of death
Two waters in between - lay on stomach
Quit jacking off - quit training
Notes I scrawl on toilet paper post-its
To remind me to avoid pain - help me not die
Doesn't work. Nothing ever does
Pain grows worse per second like kleptomaniac's purse
Heavier and heavier lugging Sisyphean load
Knees snap, faceplant, limbs twitching, snow angel
Ask you take time to look up yearbook
See me grade to grade, sad eyes begging
Sat photographed worrying about clothing
Crooked teeth, skinny hands, hunger gnawing
Best if I believe no one saw me
But I know parents, teachers, children
Could pick up on my shivering
At night I'd cry so hard my heart stopped beating
Penchant for pornography since grade four
Porno cabinet had a simple hitch unlocking locked door
Wouldn't eat coming home, just grab the lotion
Then empty ashtrays, clean beer cans, vacuum floor
Mama got home after dark
Sister age six already suffering second hand smoker's cough
Brother outside screwing neighbor girl on trampoline
Daddy in prison for tenth time, tomorrow we visit him
I hurt so fucking much at so fucking young
Seeing these things led to huffing gasoline
The unconsciousness the only thing wanting
Unleaded lotion fumes, tears and I sleeping
I'm having trouble pissing, sleeping and thinking
Thirty years and I'm all squeezed out, lotion lullaby weeping
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