Homefront Problems
8-10-11
Song of the Week: I Saw God Today

Well, I waited for mail today from my husband, and I didn't get it. It's like he's punishing me for what I wrote in my anger a few weeks ago. Damn, it hurts!

I've worked so hard to put my personal issues aside to be the woman my dude deserves. I'm not perfect and far from where I'd like to be. God knows I'm not who I used to be either. The old me would be showing her ass by now. Yet it doesn't feel right to treat him the way I would my exes.

I guess I feel like a person shouldn't have to keep apologizing for something they did. If you go to someone who offended and they don't choose to forgive you, that's on them. As long as you do your part to try to make amends, you can walk freely knowing God sees your heart.

My thing is he and I have gone through some pretty difficult circumstances in the fifteen months since God knitted our hearts and souls together. I am not going to allow the stuff to be our demise. You see, I love him enough to continue to do my part. It's my duty as his wife not to give up on us. Too many couples are quick to throw away their relationships these days because they won't work for it. God never promised anything worth having would be easy to obtain. Yet if we fight to keep it, we are justly rewarded in the end. That's why I can't fathom him being so aloof about us.

Maybe I'm tripping and he's just busy. I don't know... That's the hard part, not knowing. I can only trust that God knows what is best for me. He knows I'm hurting and that I'm holding fast to his promises. Therefore, I can go on!

May the next report be a victorious one!

♥+

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T.G.I.F.
8/5/11

Just another week comes to a close with August just beginning; with it, I pray it dispels the madness and chaos our unit has gone through for over a month. More than anything, I wish for peace to reign over Hobby.

With another death this week, a stabbing, several fights, someone getting cut, and outrageous behavior from inmates and guards alike—I'm fed up! I was already sick of prison, but this has been the worst of the four summers I've been incarcerated. Enough so that it makes me more determined to not return to the pits of this personal hell. Work has been a challenge because my co-workers often work against each other rather than together. They have no concept of teamwork. More often than not, they complain about work piling up instead of helping it get done. Such as it is, I enjoy my job.

This beginning of the end of the week brings forth a weekend of worship and praise. I'm so ready for church on Saturday night that it's unreal. Of course, Sunday is going to be my double header service, but I get so full.

The closing of the week also means the possibility of a visit. I'm always looking forward to this because I haven't seen anyone other than Danny at visitation for almost a year. However, by next week, my cousin should be able to come visit. I look forward to seeing my cousin because she matters so much to me.

Well, T.G.I.F. took on a whole different meaning from the free world, but I'm thankful that it's Friday nonetheless.

Have a good weekend!

♥+

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A Mother's Sickness
8-8-11

There's joy and sadness in my heart as I pen these words. Twelve years ago, I was laid up in the hospital with the anticipation of the birth of my daughter. On Friday, August 12th, Stephine Brieanne Barney-Burns turns 12 years old. I'm missing it, as I have for ten years now.

Every year when it gets closer to her birthday, I regret not being the mom she and my other two daughters needed me to be. And every year, I reflect on what could've been.

A lot of women know what I'm feeling, but few will share with you their hurt. They, too, made choices that kept them from raising their children. However, it doesn't keep them from loving or missing their son(s) or daughter(s), just like I love and miss mine.

They say that there are two sides to every coin. Just as I love and miss my girls, there is no way in hell I'd want them to have suffered through my lifestyle like my parents did. If I spared them the heartache I felt with my own parents, then I done something more for them than that which was done for me. I love my parents, but some things I wish I had no knowledge of growing up.

My daughters are in a loving home with wonderful parents. I know they are taken care of, and their needs are supplied. However, there's a longing inside me to be in their lives.

I wish my daughter Stephine an immense knowledge of my love on her birthday. I pray she is surrounded by family and friends who remind her of her value and worth. I hope that this year, many of her gifts and talents will be revealed to her, that she may give God glory.

My love for my daughters surpass my needs. May they each be blessed daily. I love them.

To mothers whom know the pain I feel, may God give you peace and comfort. For the sacrifices you made shows more love and courage than words can express.

♥+

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Happy Birthday, Stephine!
8-9-2011

By the time this posts, it'll be your special day, my angel. It's hard to grasp you already 12 years old. It feels like yesterday I was by your incubator praying over you day and night. I know those are days you'll never remember, but they are forever etched in my heart and memory. For you are my firstborn, my miracle, and you became my reason.

I want to wish you a very happy birthday, baby. You are so very special to my heart. One day, when God moves, we'll be back face to face. I'll hug you and look into your eyes, and let you see the love I carry for you, my sweet girl.

You are on the brink of womanhood. The very thought scares and delights me. I wish I could tell you the things locked within my soul for you, but they can wait a little longer.

Stephine Brieanne, you were never a mistake. You were my unmade plan. A divine present from God! You are loved and treasured. I miss you so much. Happy birthday!

I love you,
Mama Frances