October 19, 2011
Productively Waiting

The days grow with anticipation for my release and I find it hard to pass time without thoughts of my release. I would've been doing a lot of the same things without all the anxiety, but I am staying productive. I've written a lot of mail to a lot of people. Some of my mail I can't mail until I'm out. Mail to my uncle who is incarcerated in Malone, Florida, for example.

I spent time working on my blogs; brainstorming my Facebook, Yahoo, and MySpace pages; resetting goals; writing down places to scout for jobs; things I want to do for my sisters in white; more importantly, getting ready to go into counseling for myself and with my step-son who is having anger issues. Funny, I think he gets it from me.

Everything is good though. I am trying to look at the positives and not the negatives. I got my monthly newsletter and I was so blessed to have people pushing me up for following the spirit of God.

I love writing so much. It is my release and my empowerment. It's freeing to me in ways I could never describe. I'd never let someone quench my gift and talent. I think some people must think me stupid... I am far from that. I was born at night, but it wasn't last night. I've gone through the fire, I've been tired. I've been proved, I've found myself as gold refined by the fire.

I am not going to quit being who I am, who God created me to be, for any man. You know, I got a letter from one of my kid's dad, which surprised me. He was talking about how I need to focus on me when I get out. Take my time getting it together and allow things to fall into place. I was like, "Who snatched my babies, Daddy!?" LOL But it really was surprising. What wasn't so surprising was James' letter.

We won't even go there.

THE NEXT DAY
I've spent all day in bed. I slept so long I got a headache. My body is not happy about the not-feeling-so-good, but it's the headaches that are worse for me to deal with. Nothing tends to touch the migraines at all. But it'll be okay.

I got to go out after count and take me a shower, wash and condition my hair, and spent time with my sister, Nakia. Maybe we'll catch us a movie or a TV show. With no ESPN, I won't be watching the game. Maybe there is baseball tonight? Don't matter. Got to get out of the cell.

My Pops hasn't written this month. :( Maybe I'll hear from him tonight. Not a lot of things seem to be going smoothly. One thing I want more than anything is for people to keep it real with me. It seems to me that's the hardest thing for anyone to do.

Oh well. It'll all come out in the wash. What's done in the dark comes to light. If you love someone, love them enough to tell them the truth, even if the truth hurts them.

With this, I close:

"Telling someone the truth says more about you than you know. It also gives them the choice to choose to stick by you if they choose to knowing the truth."

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