August 5, 2013

Dear Readers,

I'm tired... I feel as if I have reached my limits. I have been reduced to a convenience, something that will work in a pinch. I hate this feeling. I hate that I still love him and want to make excuses for his behavior, I want people to know that he is a good guy and just in a difficult situation, blah blah blah... I thought I had grown past these types of thinking... I thought I was a strong independent Trans woman who did not need to rely on anyone or anything. I allowed myself to be labeled a convenience; I think that's what hurts the most. I sold out; all the signs were there, I chose to ignore them! How little I have grown, it seems. Regular rules do not apply in prison? Or is that just something we tell ourselves to allow ourselves to be treated in an undignified manner. "They" say we ask for how we are treated? Aren't I supposed to know better? Should I have to settle because I'm in prison? Do I have the right to demand better treatment from the man who claims to love me, but chases others, who has done this before but I was so afraid to be alone, let him get away with it because "he's just a flirt", because "he doesn't really mean it", what the hell is wrong with me. Because he treated me right during most of our relationship, does that give him license to fuck me over in the end? I'm battered and broken but have to walk around with a smile because that's the right thing to do... I feel like a sucker, dumb, hateful, lonely, frustrated, used, FOOLISH!!!!! All the things that go with a break up now there's a difference, I'm a little older, not as pretty as 7 years ago, a few more wrinkles, a little more weight, a lot less self assured. I have fallen and I can't get up :) I can no longer concentrate and I know I need to pull myself out of this but I just can't seem to...

The U.S. Supreme Court has just settled the overcrowding issue in California and has ruled in favor of the inmates and I now have a good chance to qualify for extra good time credits and will most likely get out within a year instead of five years from now.

Here is something I do not tell anyone but I will go ahead and put it out there for everyone and maybe I can take some of the power away from how I feel right now. The following is how I see myself right now... Fat, overweight, old, unlovable (as demonstrated recently) nothing to look forward to tranny. I have nothing to go back to but being a whore on the streets, and I'm afraid that is where I will end up and will die in some motel room either smoking crack or dead by some trick's hand. HOW DO YOU RECOVER FROM THAT????????????????????????????????????????????????

Well, just another glimpse into Terra's world/the dark side...

I try to love myself and not all is so lost or dark but that is how it feels right now...

Anyone got any words of wisdom?

Lovethrustruggle

TERRA