September/2011 Blog

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...

How easy it is for society to view inmates as nothing more than objects, lock 'em up, and forget about them. I think sometimes people forget that we are human beings that each possess hopes and dreams, potential for what they might achieve, we all feel pain. There are some of us who have a goal of having a "normal" activist fighting for the rights of the imprisoned trans inmate.

I love my new extended family. I have never in my whole life felt as loved as I do now. I have the continuing support of my family, friends, both new and old, and I have a whole new outlook on life. I know I will have a good life once I leave. I know it will be a fight, to be me, I know that my father doesn't quite understand the whole trans thing but are supportive nonetheless, and I love him dearly for that. My brother, Mark, who always listens to my ramblings and when I need anything, always manages to get it to me. I have met new friends thanks to my blog.

I know what I want to do with my life and I am taking steps to realize that goal. As strange as it sounds, I have met my soulmate here. Life will be what you make of it, and that is the biggest lesson of being incarcerated. You can continue to stay involved in the same drama here, that you were in on the streets or you can shake it all off, create a new life, and go out and live it. Will it be easy? NO. Can it be done? Absolutely. I look forward to my new life. Prison will make you realize what is important in life, at least it did for me. I absolutely refuse to be the same dummy when I leave as when I came in! :) You live and hopefully learn!

I so wish I would have learned when I was younger. :) I had some really good opportunities but blew them all. I think because I had never really felt loved. Sure, I had people who were around me and cared, but I never really felt like I mattered. I was always searching for something and I think it was the trans thing. I have grown up in the last 8 years of my incarceration. I still have a lot of childlike ways :) but now I don't have to hide or be afraid of who and what I am.

The hardest thing I have ever done was to tell my father that I would spend the rest of my life as a woman. Scared the hell out of me. I still can't quite bring myself to sign my name when I write him, so I just initial it with a flare. He absolutely accepts me unconditionally and has taught me to do the same.

I will be spending the rest of my life trying to show people that it is OK to be who and what YOU choose. Don't be confine or constricted by other's opinions or attitudes. There is a hole big life out there that you can life. If you allow yourself to live it. I have nothing else to be afraid of. I can now be me in ALL my fabulousness. I think the next post will be about my life as a young trans and th traps I fell into...

TERRA

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I was appalled and disgusted today.

I was on the prison yard today and saw an inmate stabbed! The reason he was stabbed was because he called someone a punk. I cannot believe that life here has so little meaning. He is barely hanging onto life. I'm more shocked at the attitudes of people here. Most think he had it coming because he talked shit to the other guy. DISGUSTING. The scary part is that this is the pervasive attitude with both guards and inmates alike. What do we do? How do we change it? How do we make this environment something that is positive? How do we convince people that they can life differently?

I hate this place. How dare people have such a small disregard for human life. You cannot imagine the constant fear of living here, the constant stress of looking over your shoulder. It is insane. I sometimes take on too much emotionally, and this almost has me going over the edge. I realized what a crazy place I live in. I feel so bad for the gentleman. He was older, like senior citizen old, and the guy who did it was a youngster. NO ONE CARES, and that is the scariest part. Well, almost no one.

How do we change this prison culture? How do we teach people that a better life is possible? That they don't have to live this way any longer? How do we teach them that life has meaning?

I don't know where I'm at emotionally right now, but I know that this place is crazy and I hope that I make it out with my sanity. I can't get over what happened today. I want to keep my head down and get through this without any incidents, but I FEEL I can't do that. I have to get involved and I have to try and show or convince people that there is a different way. That though can be just as dangerous, as you have to be extremely careful how you say things, no matter how innocent. They can be twisted. It seems that you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. All I want is for people, both LGBT and straight and everything in between, to live the best life that they can and to realize that every life has meaning.

I guess that's enough for now. When life gets you down or things seem out of whack, just remember that life is not that bad and it will always get better. I know I said I would write about my life as trans. I promise that I will start that in my next post...

All my best,
TERRA