March 7, 2014

Hush Up!

by Daniel Baker (author's profile)


Hush up! 1-15-14
Ya know, I've been sharing pieces of my life like this here for a while I haven't shared alot about my past life. NOT past life like I died then came back as someone else or something. BoooooWoooooo I'm a ghost he..he..he. NO, NO, past life as in past moments in my life..

I was thinking the other day how only twice can I remember giving the love of my life a gift on Valentine's day..

I'v known her in all her wonderous beauty for around 16 years now....Before we were a couple, we were just a couple of the best friends, eachother Ever had...She "was/is" my closest friend. We talked for hours about everything and nothing at all.. She was even a friend of my, at that time, "Girlfriend". or maybe they pretended to like each other because of me,,,anyway as my closest friend she knew more about who I am inside than even my family...SO, the thought ((that)), I; in all this time neglected all those opportunity chances to make her smile on the ONE DAY dedicated to those we love, actually makes me nausious.

I assumed way too often she knew how I felt for her... (in retrospect) What a DUmbass!

We "her and I" were Targets to the world we lived in from the start. Seemed no one wanted us together. There was always someone trying to split us with trash talk, lies and such..I was told so many times that she had other men, she was told shit about me too I a sure. eventually it all did begin to push between us.

That ever happen t you?

Has the life you built ever threatened to destroy your relationships, like this? Friends, family, ect. all seem to be against your emotional happiness?

Hush up crys we're talkin about ya, not talkin to ya. he he he he

I would like to share something that very few know, including the love of my life...

Around the age of 13 I developed some problems. Major mood swings, loss of concentration at times paranoia with hyper aggression, and an unhealthy view of the world and myself through my over active sexuality...only a very few knew when I went in for diagnosis at the hospital. The only person other than myself left alive and in their right mind knowing this is my sister..

The summery was that the base and root of my troubles was extream bi-polar disorder, really out of control highs marked by an overwhelming desire to be close to girls "not only sex" I mean just to be close-physically close-I can't really explain the feeling but I needed it. Before I even knew what sex was, I was chasing after it without even knowing exactly what IT was I had that preditory hunger to fill the void, and at first being close to girls was enough. This was accompanied with a sense of being intoxicated--all abuzz inside--and somehow at the same time physically unaware of anything outside of myself.

When I was up every one especially girls wanted to be around me. I instinctively knew all the right things to say, how to touch their heart and mind in ways that left my essense burned there forever like a tatoo..mmy lows were a tragedy in them selves. I had no sense of time, felt empty and worthless, memory trouble, not just recolection but also actually forming new memories..I was paranoid, feeling that everyone around me was working some master plan to do some unspeakible evil, just horrible thing to me and I was super agressive.

It took a while but, with help the mod swings were reduced to more of a wobble than a SWING.

The accompanying issues though were harder to deal with..

Of course the highs were still intoxicating, but the other side, that needed alot of work. The feelings of lonliness, worthlessness and being empty--Just wouldn't g in the down times. Though they were much less frequent the intensity was worsening and I was becomming very mean in the suffering...

The first time I actually had sex, the high was way more overwhelming than the worst low ever and lasted for hours. I had to have more. Like I said erlier I connected well and deeply with most girls on mental and emotional levels so steady relationships--LONG lasting relationships were easy...I used sex to stay on the high side only slipping into the lows every few months and not as smothering as before...

The first time I found myself alone again was devastating...

Without knowing how to ask for help and in despiration I developed a psycho-sexual problem, in the form of a porn addiction..
FAST>>FORWARD to today
I kept up that habit through my best years-being with my best friend and wife Crys. She was/is the only woman who could keep me UP on my highs most of the time without sex, she like no other could make me "shake". Know how sometimes you're so excited you lose your breath and when you inhale it studders?

It's like that..and when we had sex I just melted to mush and fell apart. I connected with her on that deep level like girls used to connect with me. She was SPECIAL...but the addiction persisted.

I know how she must have felt..undesired, unloved, ugly...Self conscience of her body, confused, wondering why she's not enough.

I know, I never ment to make her feel that way in my eyes she's very beautiful and SEXY. I wanted her every waking second. STILL DO...don't know how to express that to her though...

I mean, what? call her at midnite and talk dirty?

ha-ha-ha oh man that's funny!

Seriously though! In all these years and all the theripy I'v never had quite the theripudic breakthrough.

The revelation, as when I heard her say she hated me and wished I would end my own life....nothing ever hurt that bad, made me feel so small, or made me think so hard, so much, about the things I've done across the span of my life. To me it was like a near death experience.

I mean I'd thought of it all before and made a conscious effort to correct those behaviors that were problematic, but the truely deep, changes in me, in my sense of self was then. I was dieing of a broken heart. Literally, I became very sick. Luckily she was mad and didn't really mean it. I may not have pulled through that one...


Replies (4) Replies feed

SunnyBear Posted 8 years, 8 months ago. ✓ Mailed 8 years, 7 months ago   Favorite
there are so many things i want and need to tell you.. the time gap was only 8 weeks not 8 months.. my health hasnt been so well.. i have been having tumors pop up and having them removed.. 2 so far but that is enough to have me worried.. they popped up within months of each other.. both were benign thank goodness but it is still an eye opener.. the weather has been super hot and humid here so breathing has been a hard thing to do at times.. and it sucks the life right out of you.. i have been getting med adjustments from my diabetic dr and my shrink.. so my moods are in a constant state of flux.. long story.. i am going to be talking with my dr about bariatric surgery.. also see my ortho dr in a few weeks.. had to go to dr and get muscle relaxers for major spasms i been having in knees on top of severe arthritis.. it was so bad i wasnt sleeping.. so i had to go to the dr.. anyway.. mike and i are doing ok.. things are actually ok between us.. he is so sweet and knd.. he sends me poetry every day in the mail.. he wants us to get married as soon as we can next year.. he said valentines day.. but i dunno maybe summer... not that i dont love him and dont wanna get hitched.. but valentines day is a bad day for me.. i have alot of dr appts, several a week for a while... ortho, diabetes, regular, shrink, therapy, neurology.... the neurologist said the hampster died.. lol.. migraines are not caused by food or environment they just happen.. so they have me on meds for it.. my med case looks like walking pharmacy.. sickening.. aggrevating.. but if i dont take the meds i get sick.. so i am painted into corner..
now.. i will look at the stuff you sent about jpay.. dunno how i can help as i have been barely scraping by myself.. i will do what i can tho.. if im able..
i love you Shadow Bear.... keep your chin up..


SunnyBear Posted 8 years, 7 months ago. ✓ Mailed 8 years, 7 months ago   Favorite
here is another message from your dear sister Sunny.. things are crazy right now.. as you can tell i am sure.. ortho dr was rough handed with my legs and i couldnt drive home or walk up the stairs.. when i finally made it i stayed in bed for a few days just crying from the severe pain and spasms.. the heat hasnt let up here but i got an ac unit as an early b-day present from dads ex Debi... so it has been soe easier to breathe.. i have had a third tumor pop up.. go sept 2nd to have it removed and tested.. that makes 3 in 6 months.. not good... and they dont know why i am getting them.. please say a word for me that this one comes back benign like the others.. Shelly called me with some news that is heart breaking and sent me into a downward spiral..she has HPV (cervical cancer)... she got the vaccination for HPV but somehow she contacted it anyway... the drs in TN are quacks and they are taking their slow ass time on explaining to her what she has to look forward too... HPV usually is when they do a complete and full hysterectomy.. which means you wont have any grand babies from her.. i dont mean to just blurt it out like this.. and im so very sorry... i have been calling the prison trying to reach the preacher or a councellor to get you to call me.. but it seems like they never work anymore.. i can never catch them in.. i had hoped to tell you with my own voice and answer your questions.. i am so very sorry brother.. i have been so tore up about this i have been crying all the time and unable to sleep.. she tried calling april and telling her but you know how that went... shelly said she needed to talk and april hung up on her.. i have no use for her she is a waste of space and air.. dad said to send his condolences as well.. he is trying to be more of a good guy then an asshole lately.. im not able to go check the mail every day so if i missed a letter you sent im sorry.. i promise i will check the mail mon the 18th and search for a letter.. i wish my health was better.. so i could check everyday but that is a long walk on bad knees.. the mailboxes are in the office to the apts.. i spend more time at dr appts then i do at home these days.. but that is ok.. better me being this sick then you... i will keep you up to date on everything thru this.. i miss you brother.. i am sending you a big bear hug.. keep your chin up..
i love you ShadowBear..


SunnyBear Posted 8 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 8 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
Human papillomavirus (HPV) is a DNA virus from the papillomavirus family that is capable of infecting humans. Like all papillomaviruses, HPVs establish productive infections only in keratinocytes of the skin or mucous membranes. Most HPV infections are subclinical and will cause no physical symptoms; however, in some people subclinical infections will become clinical and may cause benign papillomas (such as warts [verrucae] or squamous cell papilloma), or cancers of the cervix, vulva, vagina, penis, oropharynx and anus.[1] HPV has been linked with an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.[2] In addition, HPV 16 and 18 infections are a cause of a unique type of oropharyngeal (throat) cancer and are believed to cause 70% of cervical cancer, which have available vaccines.
More than 30 to 40 types of HPV are typically transmitted through sexual contact and infect the anogenital region. Some sexually transmitted HPV types may cause genital warts. Persistent infection with "high-risk" HPV types—different from the ones that cause skin warts—may progress to precancerous lesions and invasive cancer.[7] High-risk HPV infection is a cause of nearly all cases of cervical cancer.[8] However, most infections do not cause disease.
Seventy percent of clinical HPV infections, in young men and women, may regress to subclinical in one year and ninety percent in two years.[9] However, when the subclinical infection persists—in 5% to 10% of infected women—there is high risk of developing precancerous lesions of the vulva and cervix, which can progress to invasive cancer. Progression from subclinical to clinical infection may take years; providing opportunities for detection and treatment of pre-cancerous lesions.
In more developed countries, cervical screening using a Papanicolaou (Pap) test or liquid-based cytology is used to detect abnormal cells that may develop into cancer. If abnormal cells are found, women are invited to have a colposcopy. During a colposcopic inspection, biopsies can be taken and abnormal areas can be removed with a simple procedure, typically with a cauterizing loop or, more commonly in the developing world—by freezing (cryotherapy). Treating abnormal cells in this way can prevent them from developing into cervical cancer. Pap smears have reduced the incidence and fatalities of cervical cancer in the developed world, but even so there were 11,000 cases and 3,900 deaths in the U.S. in 2008.[10] Cervical cancer has substantial mortality worldwide, there are an estimated 490,000 cases and 270,000 deaths each year.
info via wikipedia

Daniel Baker Posted 8 years, 5 months ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

We will print and mail your reply by . Guidelines

Other posts by this author


Get notifications when new letters or replies are posted!

Posts by Daniel Baker: RSS email me
Comments on “Hush Up!”: RSS email me
Featured posts: RSS email me
All Between the Bars posts: RSS