Hush up! 1-15-14
Ya know, I've been sharing pieces of my life like this here for a while I haven't shared alot about my past life. NOT past life like I died then came back as someone else or something. BoooooWoooooo I'm a ghost he..he..he. NO, NO, past life as in past moments in my life..

I was thinking the other day how only twice can I remember giving the love of my life a gift on Valentine's day..

I'v known her in all her wonderous beauty for around 16 years now....Before we were a couple, we were just a couple of the best friends, eachother Ever had...She "was/is" my closest friend. We talked for hours about everything and nothing at all.. She was even a friend of my, at that time, "Girlfriend". or maybe they pretended to like each other because of me,,,anyway as my closest friend she knew more about who I am inside than even my family...SO, the thought ((that)), I; in all this time neglected all those opportunity chances to make her smile on the ONE DAY dedicated to those we love, actually makes me nausious.

I assumed way too often she knew how I felt for her... (in retrospect) What a DUmbass!

We "her and I" were Targets to the world we lived in from the start. Seemed no one wanted us together. There was always someone trying to split us with trash talk, lies and such..I was told so many times that she had other men, she was told shit about me too I a sure. eventually it all did begin to push between us.

That ever happen t you?

Has the life you built ever threatened to destroy your relationships, like this? Friends, family, ect. all seem to be against your emotional happiness?

Hush up crys we're talkin about ya, not talkin to ya. he he he he

I would like to share something that very few know, including the love of my life...

Around the age of 13 I developed some problems. Major mood swings, loss of concentration at times paranoia with hyper aggression, and an unhealthy view of the world and myself through my over active sexuality...only a very few knew when I went in for diagnosis at the hospital. The only person other than myself left alive and in their right mind knowing this is my sister..

The summery was that the base and root of my troubles was extream bi-polar disorder, really out of control too...my highs marked by an overwhelming desire to be close to girls "not only sex" I mean just to be close-physically close-I can't really explain the feeling but I needed it. Before I even knew what sex was, I was chasing after it without even knowing exactly what IT was I had that preditory hunger to fill the void, and at first being close to girls was enough. This was accompanied with a sense of being intoxicated--all abuzz inside--and somehow at the same time physically unaware of anything outside of myself.

When I was up every one especially girls wanted to be around me. I instinctively knew all the right things to say, how to touch their heart and mind in ways that left my essense burned there forever like a tatoo..mmy lows were a tragedy in them selves. I had no sense of time, felt empty and worthless, memory trouble, not just recolection but also actually forming new memories..I was paranoid, feeling that everyone around me was working some master plan to do some unspeakible evil, just horrible thing to me and I was super agressive.

It took a while but, with help the mod swings were reduced to more of a wobble than a SWING.

The accompanying issues though were harder to deal with..

Of course the highs were still intoxicating, but the other side, that needed alot of work. The feelings of lonliness, worthlessness and being empty--Just wouldn't g in the down times. Though they were much less frequent the intensity was worsening and I was becomming very mean in the suffering...

The first time I actually had sex, the high was way more overwhelming than the worst low ever and lasted for hours. I had to have more. Like I said erlier I connected well and deeply with most girls on mental and emotional levels so steady relationships--LONG lasting relationships were easy...I used sex to stay on the high side only slipping into the lows every few months and not as smothering as before...

The first time I found myself alone again was devastating...

Without knowing how to ask for help and in despiration I developed a psycho-sexual problem, in the form of a porn addiction..
FAST>>FORWARD to today
I kept up that habit through my best years-being with my best friend and wife Crys. She was/is the only woman who could keep me UP on my highs most of the time without sex, she like no other could make me "shake". Know how sometimes you're so excited you lose your breath and when you inhale it studders?

It's like that..and when we had sex I just melted to mush and fell apart. I connected with her on that deep level like girls used to connect with me. She was SPECIAL...but the addiction persisted.

I know how she must have felt..undesired, unloved, ugly...Self conscience of her body, confused, wondering why she's not enough.

I know, I never ment to make her feel that way in my eyes she's very beautiful and SEXY. I wanted her every waking second. STILL DO...don't know how to express that to her though...

I mean, what? call her at midnite and talk dirty?

ha-ha-ha oh man that's funny!

Seriously though! In all these years and all the theripy I'v never had quite the theripudic breakthrough.

The revelation, as when I heard her say she hated me and wished I would end my own life....nothing ever hurt that bad, made me feel so small, or made me think so hard, so much, about the things I've done across the span of my life. To me it was like a near death experience.

I mean I'd thought of it all before and made a conscious effort to correct those behaviors that were problematic, but the truely deep, changes in me, in my sense of self was then. I was dieing of a broken heart. Literally, I became very sick. Luckily she was mad and didn't really mean it. I may not have pulled through that one...