THERAPY

I have been involved in all kinds of self-help and behavior modification programs. From 1998-2005, I was a lifer mentor/co-facilitator for a therapeutic community. From 2005 to the present, I participate, help organize and build, or facilitate short-term programs in prison.

During my work with these men as well as myself, I have learned a great deal. Lately, I've come to realize the need for more programs that work with outside people with troubled lives to share and participate with in-prison programs. So they can better save their lives before they end up in prison themselves. I have plans to revolutionize how programs and prisoners are run in the future.

I am currently participating in a short-term program. Alternative to domestic aggression and violence. Where men gather weekly and discuss past behavior. Discuss how we utilized particular methods to abuse family and self. Some realizing their actions for the first time are abusive, others sharing how they changed their lives.

Most all the men share personal stories. I want to share with you today the story of a man who displayed such strength and courage yesterday.

On the topic of economic abuse, a few men shared how they used this method in their past lives. One of the men—let's call him Jose—met his wife in his early thirties. He was a heroin user. The girl he met was a speed user. Unbeknownst to them, they sought each other. They both sought a partner who would help and allow them to still be who they are and do what they do. Jose came into the relationship with no children, she came in with three by two different men. They both fell in love, moved in together, married, and a child of their own.

Jose shared his idea of responsibility. He said his father died when he was young. He dropped out of school and took over his father's actual job. He was old enough to do the work, but he did not have the knowledge of taking care of the responsibilities. So, he would give his check to his mother and she would pay the bills. If he ever needed money to do the things he wanted to do, she would gladly give him what could be spared.

Jose had a dependent manhood into his adult life. He knew he could not trust himself with his paycheck. If left to him, he would spend it all on his addiction. So what he did was give his paycheck to his wife. She would first pay all the bills, make sure the children were taken care of, then give Jose some money (that he would use to get high). She would use what was left for herself to get high.

Together, they were the perfect codependent addicts who helped each other.

He was asked if he even felt responsible for the children that were not his. He never looked at them as not being his. He went into some joyful things he shared with the children.

Then he shared about the day he says was the worst in his life.

Jose admitted he didn't think he was controlling at the time, yet he sees that he was today. On his worst day, Jose asked his wife for some money to buy some beer. She refused to give him what he asked for, giving him only a little money. He felt emasculated and disrespected.

Then he made what he calls a mistake. He slapped his wife. He still saw the money as his, even after giving it to his wife and the family. Which is why he got upset.

The fight escalated and ended up outside. The neighbors called the police. Although the wife said she was not struck, Jose was still arrested and eventually convicted. He currently serves time for domestic abuse.

Understanding the dynamics of this relationship, I asked the following question out of curiosity. "I don't mean to be all up in your business, but I am curious. Since you have been arrested, has your wife been able to maintain? Do you still have contact with her and the children?"

This brave man stood in front of about 40 other men in prison. His emotions building as his mental picture of today becomes clearer and the feelings refreshed. The chapel room we all sat in became stone quiet. All could see this man's pain and know that it is soon to be transferred into words. We all want to respect this man's life. Tears streamed from his eyes. The more he fought to control himself, the more he lost control. His sobs became loud and open.

Soon, after a few minutes of grieving for himself and all those he loved, he looked at me and shared, "No. I have no relationship with my family."

After he came to jail, his wife went after another man. She hooked up with this new guy. He was a speed user himself. It did not take long for the domino effect to begin. They lost the car, then the house. His wife's oldest child was a daughter. She was molested by her mom's new boyfriend. Because Mom did not leave him, the daughter committed suicide, leading to her losing the rest of the children.

The father of the other two children rescued his children. He could have adopted Jose's child, but he blamed Hose for all the problems and felt he had no responsibility for his child. The child was lost to the system. He has no idea where his child is. He has been in prison now for three years with two more to go. He has not heard from his child in over a year now.

Needless to say, we all felt honored for Jose's bravery—his openness and honesty to share so personally with us.

After the meeting, it became clear to me. Something has to be done. Yet so many people do not care, and the ones who do are powerless.

Jose's family dynamic is not just Jose's problem. This is society's problem too. No matter how successful one becomes, how happy one can get, how caring or rich one can be—a civilization is only as civilized as its lowliest citizen. There are so many reasons families like Jose's exist. There are a lot of families like this. Mostly, it is a lack of concern for people with fucked up lives.

Contrary what to popular belief, the MAJORITY of prisoners want to do two things. Help ourselves and others like us. The average person doesn't want to help people like Jose. No problem. The average person probably couldn't help a person like Jose.

However, too many average people hinder attempts by others trying to help people like Jose.

I believe that had Jose been able to attend a program in prison like the one he was in yesterday, and heard someone share what he did, he would have been able to change the outcome of his own life. Nothing is 100%.

Anyway, I have plans to change things. Prisons are not in the business of fixing people. I just hope others can come up with REAL solutions to these problems. Because civilization depends on it. My best to Jose, his family, people like Jose, and all who want a better life for self and others.

MICHAEL
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