Happy Birthday Gram (Ti Amo Nonna)

August 5, 2014: 11:00am: Listening to: Here Without You by: 3 Doors Down

I woke up this morning knowing I had a hard workout to do this morning. But then I remembered what today was, Happy Birthday Gram. My grandmom would have been 81 years old today but her life was snatched away from her just over 6 years ago. Life just isn't the same without her. Now my mom has lymphoma & I was so afraid that I couldn't even ask her if this could take her from us. And just yesterday I learned that it is a fatal type of cancer. Tomorrow Mom will have a bone marrow & lymph node biopsy done. So I won't be sleeping much now. But I went into my workout with a heavy heart. Before my conscience helped to make me who I am today, I ever really thought of death that much. I never really cared. I didn't consider that someone on the news just lost their kids or their grandparents or whatever the loss happened to be for that particular story. And now death weighs on me heavily & a big part of that is guilt. I still go back to the night I ended my Landlord's life. Did I have to hit him that hard? Did I have to him more than once? Did I have to pick up that hammer? Why didn't I call 911 when it was over? I know you can't change the past but this Saturday will be 16 years since the night that destroyed so many lives & the guilt doesn't go away. I have thought of reaching out to my victim's family to apologize but the last thing I would want is an apology from the man who killed my Justine. So I'm sure they don't want that from me. But legally I'm not allowed to contact them anyway so maybe that's best. I did read an amazing article though & I want to share it. I might edit it so it's shorter. But it's about a judge from Oregon who was very anti-drug & his own daughter was a drug addict/seller & she ended up being murdered & the judge's story amazed me. I'll include it at the end of this. Please read the judge's story, I was honestly very surprised at it. This is a man of true faith & forgiveness. He's a better man than I could ever be. His strength to forgive is something I could never do. When I woke up, I looked at my calendar & remembered it was my nonna's birthday today & I looked at the big picture I have hanging up of her & my Justine & I sang Happy Birthday to my grandmom. Am I a little nuts or that? Maybe, but I love my grandmom & she loved birthdays, not just hers, everyone's. She loved spoiling her grandkids every chance she could. I will never forget you Gram & I will never forget al that you taught me. Thank you. I've learned a lot over the years but Gram taught me how to love people, how to be a better person. She heped me learn to find joy in helping others. When I do something now, i ask myself, "What would Gram think?" & I go from there. Gram always forgave, no matter what the deal was, she forgave. I just wanted to talk about my Grandmom today & thank everyone for listening. Any questions, comments, please feel free to speak up. Take care, stay safe, enjoy the rest of summer & God bless. Ciao.