Everyone Needs Someone

This is dedicated to those who may be struggling. Yes everyone has been where you are now in their addiction and you may feel alone. I know I did. Although I may not know all the details some of it I've been through. But I know one thing-if you find help you can prevail. If you take the time to read this you're one step closer. It's just finding a little strength that you have already to overcome the obstacles in your life or you can give up and wind up here with me one day. Don't worry I will welcome you and show you the ropes. Heck we might even become bunk mates (cellies).

When you try and quit drugs for a period of time and wind up using again this is called relapse and it's common. It's not a terrible thing. What is! If you think since you did you might as well get the best of it and that is the most dangerous thing because it is a permission statement. You're saying it's ok to continue until the inevitable overdose, death, or prison. It will also rob you of everything you have, will have, or will become. It will take that family you have, friends, and make you a lonely person just like me with no one to turn to for help even if I wanted it! Getting your family back isn't easy no matter how bad you want it. Through my addiction I abandoned my family I once had. Now I am like any ordinary person (out of sight out of mind).

If you continue to use, it will leave you in the street wondering where you will get your next meal and if you're a female there is no dignity. You'll have no where to go. No one wants to accept you in their homes or become like me where you were just too ashamed of your addiction to show up and ask for help. Believe me I know how this feels. A lot I tell will ring true, maybe not now. Some of you are already living this nightmare and the only way you're able to read this is at a public library with the attendant watching over your back suspiciously because of how the drugs make you look a wreck. Do you wonder why people hold their things closer to their body when you pass or why best friends no longer leave you in their homes alone. It can all lead to this...

I've taken a turn down an alleyway. It's freezing cold and I've been up for days. I'm starving and only have a few dollars in my pocket. But all I can seem to think about is the little dope I have in my pocket and finding a little water I can use to fix it. Looking through dumpsters, garbage cans, and discarded bottles not caring about my body nor my health, risking my actual life just to use. Finally finding some I can't hold out any longer because of the addiction and drive behind it. It's so cold out. I find a cardboard box where a bum lives big enough for 3 or four people. I give him a few dollars my last so he'll be able to go get himself some wine-I don't care. All I know it's warm enough to rest and get my fix when I'm done. No whereto go, just walking the streets, no money for food or my most urgent need-drugs, and I've begun to "panic" not realizing till now I couldn't have picked a perfect word for it.

Since juvenile we or some of us has learned to steal and under influence it comes naturally. I'm walking down streets that aren't safe even in daylight associating with others I'd never think twice to, not realizing I'm becoming one of them. I've crept around all night becoming more desperate, the monkey on my back jumping all around for its treat and nothing left but houses and yards to steal from. I don't want to but I don't have any other way. I've become sick because of lack of food, rest, and the cold weather. I'm looking for a place to go where it's warm and I can get some rest, food, and of course more drugs.

No everything isn't as vivid in my memories. This is just one of the worst that has stuck. Even today I live in a fog not remembering half I've done. I've lost a lot of memories, another side effect you don't hear about too much.

I'm walking down a street and I'm suddenly surrounded by squad cars. They have drawn their guns on me. Why on earth would they do that? They look like they are ready to shoot. My God what have I done? I'm in an area I don't even know and I'm lost.

It's court day. I'm being arraigned for 5 counts of burglary and sentenced to 25 years for each account. I feel like my life has been taken away because I'm finally clean and can think clearly and I'm crying out in court before sentencing and letting everybody know I need help! I can't even control my life because of drugs and you'd figure that is what everyone would focus on. My ex-wife and employer has testified I need help. I've received a letter from a drug treatment facility stating I need help and that they would accept me into their program. But here I sit, closed in this cell and if you've read all of my blogs you'd see how life really is for me and if you continue down the path you've chosen like mine it is inevitable. And you'll be sitting here with me because it will always catch up to you.

I hope this hits home and I hope the next time any of you chooses to use that you think of me, because it's the only way I'll be thought of at all.

Respectfully,
Teddy D