Good But Bad Intentions

Sometimes the best intended kind of gestures are prohibited, as I had to find out the hard way. :( Being a prisoner is hard to adapt your inner soul to your surroundings. Its rules are made to be followed, no matter where your heart lies.

Day One of My fatal mistake
The scenario: I gave a few officers some cookies and candy to share amongst themselves or to do as they wished, thinking that they may be hungry for something. It was just a gesture of kindness and nothing more. No favors or intent. Not knowing the nature of the offensive rules would lead to a serious outcome of being locked in a cell for something so frivolous.

At first I thought it was just all fun and games, until I felt the cold iron handcuffs placed around my wrists. Still feeling in a daze, it all seemed so unreal but real as can be. I was taken to a filthy and empty cell with nothing but the clothes on my back. This happened at 9:45 PM. I was forced awake for this whole experience. But it was a nasty cell; no mattress, just a cold and very hard bunk, trying hard until 2:00 AM to sleep and find comfort where none could be found.

It's hard enough to sleep when you are worried about what is going to become of you or even if you will make it out of the situation without losing what is most valued: our parole for another year if disciplinary is filed, my trustee status which I've had for several years, that job that I enjoyed doing to help the officers out. Being subjected to moving back into a hostile environment, the agonizing hours I will have to sit in this cell, not knowing what will happen or when I will be called out and notified. The feeling in my gut that I can't describe, the extra beat of my heart borne from worry. I roll over and wake every 30 minutes to push down this feeling. I write only so that I can get out of it because, if I don't, I can't free this all from my mind. Hungry but the food is bland. When I take one bite, I can't bring myself to eat.

All of this from a simple kind gesture. Rules in here are far beyond the scope of my imagination. This whole experience, which I have not quite digested, is in itself just one more learning experience that I wish I could turn around and grow from. Wishing this was all just a dream instead of reality. The next 15 HOURS of this nightmare was spent up to this point in a sleepy haze, waking to the sound of others in lock up banging on their doors and acting like animals. This whole day has been spent watching the door in anticipation of the officers calling me out to questioning. Someone told me in medical to not worry, that this is all a trial to strengthen me for a better purpose in life. But this seems like torment.

Those of you who follow me from time to time can identify that I am a free-spirited person who would love to enter society and not the person whom I'm incarcerated simply because, to better myself, I feel I should surround myself with positive influences. The job that I had dealt with the officers/employees that run the system. After being around them for several years, I can't help but notice a change in my behavior. So I do think that experience has been a beneficial one.

Although I am rambling here, it is helping me to cope with my situation. Just by sitting here and focusing on something positive soothes my worries. The hardest transition back into this whole lifestyle of the population is having to deal with some of these ingrates, the psychotic, and instigators, which I haven't had to associate with in some time. But this is all part of prison life that we have to face and live with and confront. No matter the outcome, either we face it and resolve it or we are faced with more confrontations. Better that it's resolved quickly.

As you can see, I've been rambling on with this whole situation. I will sign off and inform you of my inevitable outcome. Till then, take care and I can use all of your support through this time of hardship by your letters to keep my mind occupied.

Teddy Drake #1599339
Daniel Unit B-18-B
933 FM 1673
Snyder, TX 79549