2011 October Blog

Anger harms no one more than the one harboring it. Both bitterness and true happiness are choices that we make, not conditions that fall upon us at the hands of fate. Peace is to be found in the acceptance of things that we unable to change. Friends and family are the blood of life, and the purpose of existence is caring, compassion, and commitment.

I'm acutely aware of every single mean act, unkindness, lie, and betrayal of which I have ever been guilty of and I recognize that I still have the capacity for selfishness, pettiness, and cruelty. I yearn to transcend my past even as I quake at the fortitude required to do so!

My life has been as far from perfect as you can get. I'm not particularly proud of the things I have done with my life. I share the most degrading parts of my existence in the hope that some young transgender person reads my blog and does not fall into the same traps that I did. You cannot find the meaning of life on a street corner nor can you run away form the realities of who and what you are by escaping into drugs and alcohol. Yes, people can be extremely cruel when they find out you're different. That sadly will never go away. There will always be some asshole who does not understand. When they don't understand, they attack it. Every single trans who I was running the streets with is dead, most of them from HIV. I cannot locate one that has survived the streets. I am truly lucky to have another chance at life.

I'm no longer who I was, and I know that I can never go back to that life of running the streets. That in of itself is a scary thing. I struggle each and every day not to give up. I will never be able to adequately express how it is to be where I'm at and struggle to feel like a person each and every day. I find distractions, but how do you find meaning in the meaningless? There are people who will accept you, love you, make you feel like family, who will embrace your uniqueness and encourage it, who will point you in the right directions and pick you up when you need it. Yes, they are few and far between, but they do exist and you will not find them in the street life. If you have no idea where to start, ask for help. You just might be surprised by how many people offer.

Okay, enough preaching! I really need to learn to practice what I preach! :)

It has been a long, hard struggle to get to where my mind is right now, so I like to share. I write what I feel at any given moment. If I repeat myself, I apologize. I think my next few blog posts will be about the realities of prison. There is the public's view and the reality. There is the administration's spin and the realities. Then, of course, there's the inmate view. That is the only view that I can express because I do not know how the other people see things because I do not know how other people see things.

All my best,
Terra

Odi at amo, excrucior

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