2011/October

I'm TIRED... I find lately that the constant strain of being in prison is becoming too much! The constant wondering if I can make it when I get out? How will I ever take care of myself in my retirement years? Have I wasted too much time to create a new life for myself? Will I be too old to start over? Will I be alone? Do I have the strength? Will I make it out of here in one piece? Simple things like where will I live when I get out? How do you start a new life with no money and no place to live? I find it overwhelming.

Do I want to be in my fifties and go through yet another transitional living experience? Can I even find one that will accept me as I am? Is it even worth all the trouble? How much easier would it be to just give it up and call it a day? It is sometimes overwhelming. I'm a strong person and can take a lot, but I feel like I'm at my limit and cannot deal with one more thing or I will burst.

Most of the time, I try and be like sunshine and rainbows and everything is wonderful. But the reality of it is everything is not wonderful. I'm in prison, fighting to be who I want to be. I have no prospects when I get out; I will be odlerish and will be starting all over again. Yes, I know I have no one to blame but myself. I know exactly where the blame lays, but that does not make it any better.

How do you find the internal strength to press on? When you are at your wits' end, how do you continue? When the hopeless cannot find any hope, where do you turn? How do you find the light at the end of the tunnel, when that tunnel just keeps going and going and going?

I'm so tired...

Odi at amo 'excrucior'

Terra

The man I love
carries my heart in his pocket
like loose change
knowing it's always there
if he
NEEDS it...

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We're in love
I should not have to
convince you
of who I am
how I feel
Do not force
me to be your
insecurities.
My life is yours
My love is yours
My heart is yours
We're in love
I should not have to
convince YOU
You do not have to convince
ME

-----------------------------------

I take a breath
of him every morning
I feel his warmth
infusing my soul
His strength
gives me my strength
Our moods
reflected
in each other's eyes
Each of us
afraid to admit
our need for the other
Afraid not to
Afraid that it will be snatched
away in the blink of an
eye
pushing, pulling
desperate for the other
to realize

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