Reply ID: 79kt
11/17/16
12:25 pm
Waiting for gym lines to be called

Dear Cavak,

Hi, how are you? I hope good. I received your comments last night. Thank you. Just talking to my daughter on her birthday was a present for me. I close my eyes and imagine how she looks, who she has grown up to be. It's hard writing to her because I don't always know what to say. I am trying not to force myself on her life, but she tells me thinks she does wrong and I want nothing more than to help her and protect her from men who will use her and her own mistakes, but she has to make them, I guess.

When I make a decision or a choice, I ask myself: Is this something my grandmom would approve of? Would Justine approve? My mother? My daughter? So I am trying, Cavak. I am not perfect as we all know. But when I do something, I think about it first. I don't just react and I guess that comes with maturity. I'm like everyone else; I get sad, depressed, lonely, afraid, angry. I feel all of the same emotions. I just didn't deal with them properly when I was young.

I can't believe that in 13 days I'll be 40 years old. I do feel old. I do hope my life ends shorter than what most people would want. If I am to die in here, I don't want to live past 55. That's old enough. By that age, almost all prisoners have been completely forgotten, left alone in here to fend for themselves. Your body begins to break down with age; I can't continue to protect myself against a gang of 20 year olds armed with homemade knives at an older age. But not just for protection. I just don't want to live miserably. I'd rather die than live a miserable life. In order to keep moving forward and improving myself, the key is to surround myself with good, positive people who are on the right road themselves. I stay to myself a lot in here. There is a lot of homosexuality in here. A lot of drugs, gangs, violence, predators, thieves, tough guys. I stay away form all of that so I stay to myself a lot.

Well, for now I must go. Count cleared and they will call my gym class in about 5 minutes. I have something torn in my shoulder. They won't fix it since I can still move my arm. So I don't really exercise anymore. But I can still use my legs and core. So I'll use what I can in the gym. Working out is a big stress reliever in here. It's one reason why so many do it.

Take care of yourself, Cavak, and I look forward to your next response. God bless. Ciao.