Cancer, Does It Ever End?
Feb. 10, 2018
2:00 p.m.

It's been awhile since I've felt like writing. I don't have many people to talk to or confide in anymore.

My mom's been gone almost six months now. I miss her so much. Every day I look at her and my eyes tear up. I miss you, Mom. I was very close to my mom and not having her anymore kills me inside. She didn't deserve to die so young.

I called my dad today. Dad's fighting the best he can, but I don't believe the Geissinger Hospital in Wilkes-Barre, PA is a good cancer treatment hospital. My dad has lost so much weight, and the cancer is destroying his body. He's the only family I really have left. I have my great-aunt Mary and my daughter back in my life, but that's it. So I have no one who I can confide in. So here I am opening up to whoever wants to read.

I've been thinking about my crime a lot lately. A woman who is a disabled military vet asked me how i keep hope alive. She wants to know how she can help other vets who have PTSD and other problems. I told her that I hold onto the hope that I will one day be deemed worthy of forgiveness and redemption. I hold onto the hope that I will not die in here, that I will be able to be at my daughter's wedding, to watch my baby live her life. To visit the graves of the people I loved and lost. I have no faith in God anymore. He has abandoned someone like me.

I have met some great people in the last couple years, but for my family to be so divided, it disgusts me. My older sister, Dawn, went on Facebook to tell everyone she has ovarian cancer. But she doesn't bother to tell me. But we haven't spoken in two years. I don't even know where she lives anymore. I am doing everything that I can in order to support the Parole for Pennsylvania Lifers Movement and Legislation that I possibly can, but my efforts don't seem to be enough. I wish more people could see the good in some lifers in here. Certainly not all but some. Will I lose my only big sister to cancer? I lost many to it. I'm just so sick of that freaking word.

I didn't feel up to writing much today, but I wanted to at least write something. Life is a lot harder since losing my mom. I go to work every day, I come back, and I have no drive or energy to do anything. I am depressed and I am almost without a family.

I am very thankful to have my daughter back in my life. She is such a beautiful young woman who just lets people hurt her. Seems she is always being hurt by men. I wish I could be there to take her in so she is safe, protected, and loved unconditionally, just like my parents loved me. If she reads this, she will probably be embarrassed, but i smile each time I remember it. I called her and woke her up one day. She was in bed at 1:00 p.m. She burped and I told her, "Oh my God." She said, "What, Dad?" I said, "Your breath smells like you ate a bowl of poop." I said to teaser her and get a laugh from her. Nothing brings me any joy anymore except for hearing my child's laugh.

I fake laugh a lot, I pretend I'm okay—but honestly, I'm falling apart inside.

My dad brought me a keyboard. I wanted to learn how to play, but I don't know how to read music and it's hard for me to understand that. I don't have the drive for it. This was all planned before Mom died.

Well, I'll leave you with this. I have said this before: I am not my crime; I am so much more; give me a chance to prove it. I killed a man and a part of me desperately wants the forgiveness of his surviving family. I've been taking a drug called Minipress. It is supposed to either suppress my nightmares or at least make it so I don't remember them. I am haunted by my many mistakes in life. Does this mean I have a conscience? Or that I am remorseful? I just don't know. What I do know is that I sleep less and less as the years go by. Three hours last night, probably the same tonight. I can't turn my mind off—the what-ifs, could of's, or should of's; my mind races a mile a minute. I can't seem to shut it off until I am so exhausted I fall asleep within a minute or two.

I feel lost and I just don't know what to do. I feel empty and alone, and I don't know why I bother tying to be a better man when everyone I love has either died or abandoned me. So maybe this is me just having a pity party on myself. But WTF. My mom's gone, and it fucking sucks. I deserved it, not her.

We have new puppies here. There are four yellow labs who will be trained to be service dogs for disabled military vets. They are Chuckie, Papi, Liz, and Nahoa.

Anyone who has lost their mom knows what I'm going through, but in here, they expect you to just get over it and be the same person you where before it happened. I can't. My heart is broken and a part of me just doesn't care anymore. But I have a daughter who is my reason for going forward in this nightmare of a life. I have to find a real way to be there for my kid. I'm new to this, so if anyone has any suggestions of advice, I'm definitely listening.

I guess that's all for today. I've rambled enough. I hope 2018 is starting off to be a good year for you, and I look forward to any advice, suggestions, and comments. Take care. Ciao.

Say a prayer for my big sister, Dawn Pezzeca. She is a good person, and a great mom to her three boys. She doesn't deserve this.