March 6, 2018


by Sarah Luedecke (author's profile)


I am here as always vacantly writing without truly knowing what it is I want to say. I haven't written anything in long, I guess that is what happens when the inspiration is snuffed out of your soul down to it's core. But, should I fancy myself inspired? Hardly, morbid at best. I don't have much to say in the way of updating only that now I could use a real friend. Not one that hopes my heart will learn how to love. I think I finally realized that I am incapable of loving. I think about my sons and wonder if when I see them again I will be able to love them as they truly deserve. I know after everything that has happened to me so far from my mistakes as a mother they will only hate me in the end, I can't be mad at them or hold it against them. But I only wish to shower them with love. Their feelings are warranted towards me not only because of my sins, my absence has an impact as well. Being away from them is probably the hardest part of my time, my only knowledge that marks the passage of it all, I long to look into their angelic eyes and just apologize for everything I have done to wrong them and for the continued lack for my own life that is so selfish. I think of all the times I have tried to commit suicide and didn't succeed. I think about the scars and tattoos that cover my body and wonder if they would recognize me in my array and it they would even know the one who gave them life. Remorseful each and every day I find the remorse of my own actions against them is greater, crippling at best. Even to this day I can't look at myself in the mirror without hatred. I look at my face and try to find the features I possess, but they are far beyond beautiful, angels in their own right. But in my situation the system only sees my mistakes not who I am or if I am truly sorry. So do the denizens of this place I inhabit one made completely of plastic. I have grown tired and weary both from it all. The only thing I have left is hope and even that diminishes on a scale much faster then I can understand. I have enclosed with this submission some poetry and another sample chapter of my novel. I am slow to finish it but I am still progressing toward the goal of completion.


Replies (2) Replies feed

Jerilynsmith30 Posted 1 year, 4 months ago. ✓ Mailed 1 year, 4 months ago   Favorite
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post.

Sarah Luedecke Posted 1 year, 3 months ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

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