r4yu

Personal Journal

11/1/18

Every longing, every yearning I have ever had, every secret desire of my soul, every constructive ambition I have ever had, is a whispering of my life assuring you that you are one with me. You are a concrete manifestation, a personification of me. You are the center of my life; passing through you, becomes a definite, distinct, unique individualization of our lives as one. There is no one else like you in all the universe, there never will be for me. Anytime I feel anxious or worried, I can turn to my love, my Jeannie for the inspiration I need to continue. She is the source of the air I breathe, she is the food that nourishes my body, the spirit that comforts my soul. She is the flower whom opens its petals to the sun displaying her beauty to me so I don't have to look at the ugly around me. I reflect on my own life. I hold dear: the sound of children at play, the love of my family + friends, reliving moments alone. I cannot place a price tag on the things that bring me the greatest enjoyment of my life. The smile on my Jeannie's face. [heart]

11/8/18
Thursday

I pulled something in my lower back a couple of weeks ago and I'm still feeling a lot of discomfort if not a little pain if I'm not careful. I've got a hot water bottle on it now and I'm not doing anything to stress it. I saw the doctor he said not to stay any one position too long - to get up and move around and not to make any fast move, like I move real fast anytime :) don't stand in one spot too long and walking is good for it as long as it's not putting too much stress on it. Maybe no one told these doctors but being in prison itself is a stressful business. Even though this is a medical facility it is not the place of old men it was just a few years ago. Now the place is a whole lot younger with a lot of weirdos and EOPs/CCCMG (those are nut cases). One has to always have one eye on his six. Started my X-mas cards a couple of days ago. I paint all mine by hand. I don't have that many to make this year as so many have passed and a lot fell off the end of the world.

11/9/18
Friday

It has been two months now since Jimmy Lee went home. I haven't been able to talk to him yet. He's in a transition home and the phone they gave him won't take collect calls or prepaid. :) It does have GPX. I have talked to his sister twice and his Mom once. He's not doing bad and just started a job. I don't know how long he'll be staying in the transition home - at least 90 days, maybe 6 months - a year would be good for him. He does good when someone's watching and helping. He told his mom he would get his own phone as soon as he gets a couple of pay checks. I saw the rheumatologist (tele-mode). He said he believes I may have lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus). A long-term (chronic) disease that can affect many parts of the body. It can damage the skin, blood vessels, brain, kidneys, heart, lungs, liver, and other internal organs. It causes pain, irritation, and inflammation. He said after looking into my medical file for the last couple of years he took another look at my blood tests, urine tests, and chest X-ray. He's going to do a skin biopsy but he already decided. There is no cure, but he can now start me on a treatment that can keep it in remission, help control the symptoms and prevent more damage to the organs. I have to go for more X-rays today (8 a.m.). I've gotten lucky on my doctor here. I saw a doctor filling in for mine yesterday morning and he tried to tell me there was nothing wrong with my lungs. Hopefully next week my doctor will be in. :) I like this pen it writes nice and dark now if I could get it to work like a word processor. :)

11/11/18

It's Sunday - smoke is everywhere, even getting in the cell. It turned into a bad pain day yesterday - today is going to be worse. The smoke is from the Camp Fire in Butte County. Everything in Paradise + Magalia was burned to the ground - the people had no warning with winds up to 40 miles an hour. Not everyone made it out and those that did lost everything. I remember being up there to camp in the late 60s early 70s it was a beautiful place - the people were friendly. I'm going to go over to the medical and see if I can get me one of those masks for my COPD. There's still over a hundred missing my heart hurts for both them and their families.

11/13/18

I've been staying inside the last few days. It gets hard to breathe - my lungs hurt when I blew my nose earlier it looked like blood. :) I've been giving my rescue inhaler a workout. I'll see the doctor this morning - I have two appointments at 11:10 + 11:30. All I did all this past weekend was watched TV and read a National Geographic on the Global Meltdown "The Climate Issue". All the big car companies are making some kind of electric cars - it cuts emissions and the cost of driving and some time in the future by 2035 they say there will be very few gasoline or diesel cars being made. I get out I would get a bike except I'm lazy. :) I'll walk or ride a bus. I wouldn't have to go very far anyway because I would get me a place downtown where I love it so well. :) This is the third day in a row that my celly has gotten up early. Can't do that. This is my time of solitude, to daydream and write. Can't concentrate with someone standing over me and talking. :)

11/14/18

I saw the doctor yesterday. I was supposed to see the pulmonary doctor 6 months ago. Now they need new chest X-ray + other tests before I see him. I've been having trouble breathing - shortness of breath + wheezing because of the smoke in the air - don't know if it's bad smoke today they have the heater on and I dried out and can't smell anything. The doctor did put me on doxycycline hydate (antibiotic) for pneumonitis (whatever the hell that is) and he started me on an albuterol inhalation solution by nebulizer. I've been doing some X-mas cards to send out this year. That's about all I feel up to doing. I am reading a little but mostly right now I'm just staring at the TV. Sitting on a mountaintop, resting in a dark forest. I have a lot of regrets in my life - not saying I love you enough to the people I love - you know who you are - I love you. I've been thinking a lot about my brother Tim lately, his birthday just passed. Could I have been a better brother more than likely, regrets. I miss my sisters this time of year - would like to hear from one of them. Don't blindly accept authority find out why if it's even true. Sometimes I access my read-only memory and random access memory, and play them off the wall like a video mostly reruns but they are the good ones starring you and I with a cast of old friends and family. I hope your eyes have been healing well my love.

Love Note

11/11/18

My Dearest Love:

I can forever see your smile in the sky. You are my moon and stars in this dark cell. You are the light from the sunshine that brightens my days and warms my heart. You are the rain that cools me down and greens the grass that I walk on. I can hear your voice in every bird's song. I can feel your touch in the wind, no matter which direction it is coming from, no matter how hard or how soft it's blowing it is always gentle on my face. In the lightning and thunder I can hear and feel your laughter around me. [heart] There are times when I believe people are staring at me like I'm crazy because I may be saying something to you out loud but I ask them, "If I'm crazy would you be talking back to me" :) [heart] I love your humor, maybe because it is as dry as mine. We are a pair, we've always been a pair and future lives we will be a pair. It is not easy being away from one another as we are, but it is doable as long as we are with one another within our hearts, as long as there are stars in the sky I will love you, and you will fill my dreams with love. I will talk to you every day and let the wind carry my words to your ears, carry my heart to your heart. Now close your eyes my love and see the smile you have put on my face as I dream of you. Whenever I forget that there's goodness in my life I spend time with your memory and it reminds me of what true love is.

I'll love you always
Forever + ever
Your Steve

A Merry Christmas to all

[painting of holly on a Christmas bell

Christmas Cheers

Jimmy Lee tell me you're doing alright kid.

Merry Christmas to all the people at BTB. Thank you for the work you do and for the little notes you send.

Merry Christmas to all my family and friends - more names than I can write here.
My Mel
My Theresa
Cella
Linda
Ted + Tony
Lorene
all my nieces + nephew

To my Jeannie
A Merry Christmas
We are together in our hearts

Steve J. Burkett
B-14364
C-11-120 MCSP
PO Box 409060
Ione, CA 95640