The Novelist Portent
Johnny E. Mahaffey
November 10, 2018

BAELESS IN SEATTLE: #Johnny Mahaffey is Single

Not everyone in the dating game is seeking intimacy. The traditional notion of romance emphasized trust, honesty, connection, and other markers of closeness. But people may date for many reasons: to ease feelings of social isolation, to have fun, or to build their own self-esteem, finds Catherine Sanderson, a psychology professor at Amherst College.[1]

It turns out that Jaime and I have very different ideas about what love is, and she has now retracted all of her I love yous and promises of marital bliss.

Originally, I had listed a 20 point "Why Johnny is a Piece of Crap" list because Jaime had spat at me in anger. But I was asked to remove it because 99.9% of it was not true. All it did was belittle me for no reason whatsoever. I had merely minimized my own self-worth for the benefit of someone else. That wasn't healthy.

In your rain, the aftermath of romantic rejection can look like cocaine withdrawal, a Rutgers study found. "So give yourself time to clear your head," says psychologist Gary Lewandowski, phD. [2]

I have hypersensitivity when it comes to amorous rejection. I forget that it's not always because of me! Or her... I won't listing any point by point dissection of EITHER of us in this matter. I'm not going to demonize her or let her blame me in any way. I have to stop thinking of her as my lost "one true soulmate" and stop giving her so much space in my thoughts. I will respect her decisions and paths in life. I will appreciate the time that we did have.

I've spent so many years wishing that she hadn't stopped wanting me that I never once stopped to think that if (or when) the day came, it might not be in my best interest for me to want her. I never imagined that or even considered it as a possibility. And it breaks my heart to realize that, while I do still love her, I would not want to be with this current version of her. Not romantically.

I am a better man now than I have ever been in my life. I deserve to be treated with respect and not be taken for granted. I believe that a person should get out of a relationship what they put in, and that it is a partnership. That you have each other's back, especially when they're sad or need help. I may very well die alone in here or baeless in Seattle, typing away in front of a rain streaked window, writing my novels, with a view of nothing but gray clouds. I don't know what the future holds, or if I have one.

I've been alone for 12 years, and that first week of October showed me that I don't have to be. I still have a lot to offer. Jaime saw it too, she just has too much going on in her life. She doesn't have room for me or the need. I can't rescue her because I am in need of rescuing. Here I am, putting every resource I can, every dollar I've made, and every minute of every day towards her. Not caring what it did to me, only caring about her, and willingly being a stone for her to step on to better her life.

I know you'll read this, Jaime, and you'll make this about you. But it's not.

I hope that you get your life together, I really do. I'm still going to help you in any way that I can. I'm just... taking a step back and putting a few emotional walls up to protect myself. You can't blame me. Your slate is still clean as far as I'm concerned, and I have no blame or animosity towards you. I just have to give myself time to clear my head of the promises you gave me. Please don't get mad at me for removing the original version of this post. If you had cared about me, even just as a human being, you would not have been okay with me posting it. But that's in the past. I realize how stupid it was, and I should have never repeated the negative things you said about me.

I'm proud of you, Jaime.

You are getting through, surviving, and trying to repair yourself and your life. You will one day have our kids back, and you will have a life that you deserve. A junkie free, ex-junkie free, drama free, safe home for you and the kids. I know it. In all of my heart and soul, I know you can succeed! Especially once you remove all of the negativity surrounding you, which you're doing a pretty good job of now. Focus on you and break that old cycle. A lot of good people are rooting for you to make it.

I'm sorry if I disappointed you or let you down. But you can't blame me for trying. For me, you really and truly do mean the world. That will never change. You'll forever be between the lines of every story, and my dark angel who lines the dark clouds outside my window and broken heart. You have shown me heaven, you have shown me hell. You have shown me trust and utter betrayal. You shave shown me how thin the line can really be between love and hate.

But most of all, you have taught me who I am. What I can be.

1. Phillips, Lisa A. "Getting Close", Psychology Today Jan/Feb '17, p.48
2. Vrabel, Jeff "Don't Let Her Haunt You", Men's Health Jan/Feb '17, p.116