A Family Reunion
Imagine my surprise today when I received comments to some of my past blogs, and they are from my cousin Janet. Some of you might be thinking where the surprise may lay? I have been incarcerated for a little over 15 years, and I have seen my cousin one time, in all that time. And through the power of my blogs she reaches out to me; for the first time in many years I've heard the words "I love you". WOW!!!!!

Most prisoners never think about the damage that we do to those closest to us, while we are out there doing "JS", committing crimes, and destroying lives all around. So I have never blamed those of my family members that have chosen to disassociate themselves from me.

Nevertheless it is hard not having your family by you, to love you and to tell you "yes, you messed up and bad, but nevertheless I love you, 'WE' your family loves you." I see prisoners in here for some of the most hidious and atrocious crimes, yet they have unlimited support. And I ask myself how can someone love them?

Then I think those same thoughts that I have towards them...the tedious and atrocious crimes I spoke of about them... That is me as well. My crimes are tedious and atrocious, to. WHAT MAKES ME BETTER THAN THEM?

I have always tried to justify my actions by saying I didn't rob the banks, I was just there. I didn't kill those people I was just there. Are those crimes tedious and atrocious? Absolutely! Maybe members of my family see me that way, and in doing so they have distanced themselves from my atrocities.

However, as family are they obligated to love me regardless of my crimes, mistakes, flaws, faults and sins? Are they obilgated by blood to stanby me and llove me, support me and help me through these dark hours? I think in a perfect world, society and family those answers would be yes, but then therein lies the contradiction. IN A PERFECT WORLD, THIS WOULD NOT EVEN BE AN ISSUE, RIGHT?

I have always understood that I put myself here. There is no finger to point, no blame to be passed around... NADA! Just my own foolishness and stupidity. So I have manned up and done my time with "little complaint", but prison is such a lonely place. What makes bearable/managable behind these walls is support and love of ones family, friends and those that love them.

So what has sustained me through these long years? Well for most part the love of my cousin Earline and my beloved aunt Janita, that passed away a few years ago. After that I think things became too hard for my cousin Earline, and her life had to take center stage. Do I hate her? Should I be mad that she walked out of life? Absolutely not! I put myself here and she has to live her life, for her and her family.

So how have I survived all this loneliness, depression and feelings of abandonment? I have drawn from the memory of my mama. I thank GOD that I had an awesome mama. What she left me with was this ability to fight and survive against all odds. I owe my mama a big thank you. Yes I have dont some very bad things, but the person I was then is no longer. I deserve love, I long for love and I want the support of my family, but those attributes have to be freely given. But no matter what I have learned to love myself a whole lot.

Those were general expressions, this is to my cousin Janet, on a more personal note.

I love you! I was very surprised to see your name on the comment sheets, but I am honored that you love my blogs. Janet, I have missed you over these past years and there hasn't been too many days when I haven't thought about you, Earline and the rest of the family. I would love to see you and Earline, you have been on my list since the beginning, and you always will be. Whenever you are ready to make the journey I will be there.

I have not blogged in a while but because of you here I am, once again.
See what family do? SMILE. I love you and miss you so much.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

YOURS TRULY

TEZE